The Secrets of Gabriel

Encore Without an End

2006-11-30T11:00:00.000-05:00

Pushing back grey curtains of doubt
Allowing tired eyes to finally see
That I'm sick of being sick with attempts to compromise
Crying for something we'll never be
You look at me and say
That you despise me more everyday
And you never meant for this to go on so long
Anyway...

One life, two tries, three times (X2)
Who can't live, can't live without

This is what you get,
I'm sorry but I can't hate you yet
You need this more than I do
And that's why I still love you

Adrift on this isle of my discontent
She's holding on to hurt me one more night
We're two dark stars decaying each other
Complaining that they've lost their light
She looks as if to say
Until I hate her she won't go away
Or else she would have left me alone
Yesterday

One life, two tries, three times (x2)
Can't live, can't live without

This is what you get,
I'm sorry but I can't hate you yet
You need this more than I do
And that's why I still love you
(repeat)

We take our final bow,
Done because I hate you now
You'll never stop the pain
Because we'll never dance again
(repeat)

One life, two times, three tries (X2)
You can't eat, can't breathe or sleep
You can't walk, can't hear or see
So don't talk, don't say you're free
'Cause you can't live, won't live without me

So sayeth The Brad...

The Other Side of Waves

2006-11-27T06:01:00.000-05:00

Awash in her arms of blue, and ebony,
Promised a sweet mileu of apathy
And something so new it had never been seen
Or heard or felt or lived before

The goal of a better day, a peace,
From looking up at thin rays draping over me
Resigning to this only way to be,
Exist, to wait in the sea

I hear it bellow from the deep
Crashing ships while I'm asleep and dreaming
And when I wake the flash of fires floating
Somewhere far above has caught the
Skeletons of those I loved and

Sinking brings them closer to me than ever before
Extinguishing the heat now and exchanging it for
A deep, a hard desire for what they've never known
No sweeter thing than this: the ice-quick grip of letting go
(Letting go)

A current of no more pain
An icy chokehold like a soft refrain
Aware that the urge has finally waned:
To hope, to hurt, to ever rise again

I hear it bellow from the deep
Crashing ships while I'm asleep and dreaming
And when I wake the flash of fires floating
Somewhere far above has caught the
Skeletons of those I loved and

Sinking brings them closer to me than ever before
Extinguishing the heat now and exchanging it for
A deep, a hard desire for what they've never known
No sweeter thing than this: the ice-quick grip of letting go
(Letting go)

Crush me now, save me now, my watery grave
I'm staring at my life through the other side of waves

It bellows from the deep
Crashing ships while I'm asleep and dreaming
And when I wake the flash of fires floating
Somewhere far above has caught the
Skeletons of those I loved and

Sinking brings them closer to me than ever before
Extinguishing the heat now and exchanging it for
A deep, a hard desire for what they've never known
No sweeter thing than this: the ice-quick grip of letting go

Letting go (repeat through)

Crush me now, save me now, my watery grave
I've given up my life behind the other side of waves

So sayeth The Brad...

Potentia

2006-06-27T06:57:00.000-04:00

Work that mouth, tow that line
Electric Man is feelin' fine
Grab that wrist, shake that hand
Rise to your feet for Electric Man

I'm just an ordinary man with nowhere else to turn
I've seen my share of soldiers coming through
So when the book are out of words, and nothing's left to learn
I'll bow to the only thing I really know how to do

Work that mouth, tow that line
Electric Man is feelin' fine
Grab that wrist, shake that hand
Rise to your feet for Electric Man

An eye, a shadow, a fist, a frown
He points his finger and the city falls down
An eye, a shadow, a fist, a frown
He points his finger and the city falls down
An eye, a fist, a shadow, a frown
He points his finger and the city falls down
An eye, a fist, a shadow, a frown
He points his finger...
And even God falls down
(DOWN!)

There's no shame in mediocrity, just a twinge of doubt
Of what you are and who you could have been
An uphill cart race with a tire out
(Is what we've earned)
And I'll stop to smell the briars in the shadows of much greater men

Work that mouth, tow that line
Electric Man is feelin' fine
Grab that wrist (grab that wrist)
Shake that hand (shake that hand)
Rise to your feet for Electric Man

So sayeth The Brad...

The Fabled Beauty of Sophia

2006-06-27T06:55:00.000-04:00

She left me in her room still shaking, I couldn't speak at all
An orphan to the world, a dying leaf in the fall
Buried in a garden, but no flower'd grow again
This world had reared its ugliness, its corrosion and its pain

There's beauty in this life still
Yet some glory, she would say
You can find it even though all of
The heroes left today
There's beauty in this life still
Yet some glory, she'd contend
Even after all the ones you love
Become your dear departed friends

This place feels black and hollow and their hands feel harsh and cold
Decaying in the twilight of a world that's growing old
With children weeping softly and widows left to cry
When the evils of our fathers are nothing like the sins of you and I

There's beauty in this life still
Yet some glory, I need to believe
Able to be found even when
The heroes have to leave
There's beauty in this life still
Yet some glory, I'll depend
Even after all the ones you love
Become your dear departed friends

Dark funnels laugh with Armageddon's breath around me
A cyclone roars, no light ever shines through
You took my wings to go ahead and soar above me
To leave me flightless in a field, and mired in these memories of you

A world with no comparison, a world with nothing left
A world so unfamiliar, a world that was bereft
A world that does not have her, but then still I hear her say
It was you that I have died for so you'd know to live another day
Because there's motive yet to love
And there's basis to be strong
Because there's beauty in this life still
And there's reason to live on...

So sayeth The Brad...

A Mother's Proverb

2006-02-22T04:48:00.000-05:00

Mama said
Don't leave the casket in the sanctuary or
Wait just to wonder why
There's a thousand ways to live and
The world won't stop to watch you cry
Take your sorrows to the pasture
Won't you bury them alive
Turn your head to better things
While I wait here where grass has met the summer sky

She said
Kick off your shoes, leave this town of misery
And don't come back again
If you spend a lifetime looking back
You'll get to feeling salty in the end
But I've ran this track so many times
While watching many friends
Beat me to the finish line and
They've left me talking to these headstones once again

Papa said
She's in a better place, my son
Take some joy in moving on
There's a thousand ways to live this life
And only one is mourning what is gone
So I picked up, stepped out of the shade,
I saw the sun still shone
And this is something we all can do
I left those headstones on my own
(and now I know)

(But that doesn't mean
That I'll stop
Missing you...)

So sayeth The Brad...

Symphony

2006-02-21T06:10:00.000-05:00

Echoed (echoed) lightly (lightly) overhead?
Are you listening to me in the sweet symphony?

Can you hear the bells above the drums
Echoed (echoed) lightly (lightly) overhead?
As you clap with all the hands around you (overhead),
Are you listening to me in the sweet symphony?

Cigarettes and chandeliers and velvet
Caught reflected in your eyes...
Canes and gloves and scented cloves on ruby lips;
A million people all dressed up to watch me die...
Will someone hear this now
From the crowded seats?
A woman that will listen
Just for me?

Can you hear the bells above the drums
Echoed (echoed) lightly (lightly) overhead?
As you clap with all the hands around you (overhead),
Are you listening to me in the sweet symphony?

Piccolos and resined bows and brass horns
Surrounded in a sea of black and white...
Gods and men and soaring wings of angels
Staring from the painted marble sky...
Will someone hear me now
From the crowded streets?
A woman in a million
Just for me?

Can you hear the bells above the drums
Echoed (echoed) lightly (lightly) overhead?
As you clap with all the hands around you (overhead),
Are you listening to me in the sweet symphony?

Symphony...
My sweet symphony.

So sayeth The Brad...

Cody's Quote

2005-08-13T21:04:00.000-04:00

The tears run,
sometimes they stop.
You wipe them away,
wishing to save every drop.
You cant believe,
that any of it is real.
Your true feelings overwhelm,
there is no reason to conceal.
Waves of emotion,
they break through your mind.
You think so much,
but do not want to unwind.
Wonderful memories abound,
wherever you look.
Everything is going to be ok,
remember cookbook.

Sophia II

2005-08-12T23:32:00.000-04:00

Though no plaque or inscription bears witness to your name,
Nor do the people shout praises of your fame;
To the children belonging to you for all time,
As the ones you have brought into lives so divine
Your GREATEST act was giving them lives they loved so
And their HARDEST act has been letting you go

[we love you, Mom]
[we always will]

Bandage

2005-04-15T06:10:00.000-04:00

I no longer have words. I'm just broken, and I'm done pretending. This might be the last entry for a bit. Normally I am against such short, seemingly meaningless entries.

But when something's so serious that it gets ME to shut up, I think that qualifies as a milestone.

So sayeth the Brad... and it echoes until I am well.

Falsity

2005-04-15T05:53:00.000-04:00

Lies are, by their very nature, a medicine of convenience. Administered when they are easier to swallow than truth. Purged when they are discovered to be poison.

So sayeth the Brad...

Nobles

2005-04-07T06:01:00.000-04:00

Don your hoods and capes,
My friends, its time to go and feast.
Push your way through brush and bramble;
Find within its folds a beast -
Tame this creature with your weapon;
Beat till it submits.
Leap upon its leathered back
And rip it all to bits.

The halls that we retire to
Know not of ghastly deeds
Conducted late at night in mire,
Tangled vines, and weeds.
But we adieu each night to find
A lesser beast than we;
Kill it; do not mourn its death;
And praise our aristocracy.

The day before we drank from goblets
Sipping vintage draught
Tonight we suckle from our prey
Like swine come to the slop.
On night of next we'll sit at tables
Laid with silvered ware
Speaking not of naughty works
While blood runs on the air.

The halls that we retire to
Know not of ghastly deeds
Conducted late at night in mire,
Tangled vines, and weeds.
But we adieu each night to find
A lesser beast than we;
Kill it; do not mourn its death;
And praise our aristocracy.

Unicorns, and minotaurs,
Nymphs and pixies slain,
Leviathans, behemoths,
Yes, all of they we've smote
And laid their ruin here upon
The rocks that line the moat
Killed the peasant's fantasies
To bolster our own gain.

So wrap your noble shoulders, friends,
In velvet folds of station,
And help me end this creature's life
For sake of ostentation
When we have beat with signet rings
And stabbed with knives of gold
This hide will make a tapestry
And more food than we could hold.

The halls that we retire to
Know not of ghastly deeds
Conducted late at night in mire,
Tangled vines, and weeds.
But we adieu each night to find
A lesser beast than we;
Kill it; do not mourn its death;
And praise our aristocracy.

So sayeth the Brad...

Princess

2005-04-05T04:06:00.000-04:00

There are boys that will hurt you, Love,
Girls that just cry
Left with no one to
Cach tears from your eye
You'll sit there and shake
With a body racked with loss
Wondering why you were
So easy to toss

Just feel my ephemeral fingers
Know that I'll always be there
Right by your side
Hiding inside the light
Of the sun, and the mist
Drifting through the night's air.

If your frame has been broken, Love,
Rent near in two
Face runs with blood
Over black, violet, blue,
Try to cry long and loud
And let fear grip you tight
Because that will bring me faster
Through blackest of nights

Just feel my ephemeral fingers
Know that I'll always be there
Right by your side
Hiding inside the light
Of the sun, and the mist
Drifting through the night's air.

When you scream, seeing things
Behind bushes and trees
They hit you, and drag you
Right down to your knees
Your cries carry me faster
To where you have fallen
I'll run to your calling
Protect you, you'll see

Just feel my warm fingers
Finally I'm here
Right by your side
Shining the light
And piercing the darkness
Destroying enemies near
So, Love, there's no reason to fear...

So sayeth The Brad...

Fish, Water

2005-04-04T02:49:00.000-04:00

We are mere players
Thrown to the earth
To play this engagement
Until its end
Pained, dirtied people
So weary and listless
Like a fish called Water
Defined by what we live in.

So sayeth The Brad...

Candace

2005-03-31T03:40:00.000-05:00

If she is saddened
From our parting
Let her tears fall gently
On your shoulder
As she weeps,
Be there, tenderly
Touch her face
And hold her

Where is Candace?
Is she crying over somewhere
I can't see?
Sift her hair
Through your fingers, love
Her just for me.

As you lay upon
The bed you share
Feel her breath dance
On your back
Know the luck that
You've discovered
Cherish what you
Do not lack

Where is Candace?
Is she crying over somewhere
I can't see?
Sift her hair
Through your fingers, love
Her just for me.

Can you hear me?
Do you see me when
You close you eyes?
Don't speak,
Don't even breathe.
I'll love you till I die
Even if the one who holds you
Isn't I...

There is Candace
She's not crying anymore and
I can see
You're holding her,
Touching her, loving
Her just for me.

So sayeth The Brad...

Spectre

2005-03-30T02:51:00.000-05:00

One day I swam in tides no others dared
As lightning split the air
For forty days and evenings
I watched the waters seize
Then one sunny day, clear air bore the flight
A bird of iv'ry white
I guided it to safety's perch
And it returned with peace

You may call me None
For by names I am not known
Standing by as you wreak greatness;
Always you are loved.

I remember I watched his robes fly free
Draped across his body
With arms that stretched to heaven
As waves, they crashed and foamed.
Yet from the clouds above this lowly man
A whisper slowly ran;
Our God did call this fallen prince
By his own name, "Moses, come."

You may call me None
For by names I am not known
Standing by as you wreak greatness;
Always you are loved.

One night I came upon
This soil
Stayed and lived through sweat
And toil
I saw the seas and
Desert sun
No longer myst'ry, but
Father's son.

And you may call me now
By the name that I am known
The name by which you've been redeemed;
Always you are loved

So sayeth The Brad...

Confrontation

2005-03-27T03:14:00.000-05:00

This is one of those posts that will start out as rambling and then eventually manifest itself into something, at least that would be my fervent hope. I'm sitting up at a quarter past three on a Sunday morning, with some tasty acid reflux burning the back of my throat and absolutely no desire to go to sleep. Funny the places and situations you end up in on the weekends, eh? Yeah, I didn't think it was that funny either.

I've felt for a very long time now that I've had something direly important to say, but I have just been trying to think of what it is. I still am not completely sure, and I think that's why I haven't really written alot these past few months. It just feels like there is something very significant that I'm.... just... barely... missing. Tip of the tongue, right on the edge, almost falling over, just about had it, and then I lose it again. It keeps happening. Like some little elf or gremlin that stays on my tail, breathing on my ankles, but everytime I go to look down or turn around to see it, it just as quickly scurries around me. I whirl my head around and around, but I'm still not faster than it. So I can't prove that there's something there with tangible evidence, but the feeling just won't leave me.
I took an entire survey of everything I've written on this blog since I started it. And, I have to say, I'm pretty pleased with how it has turned out thusfar. It has pretty much accomplished what I've been wanting it to. Its a great place to vent frustrations, to express myself creatively, to pour my heart out on the web-page, if you will. A good way of telling that something has hit you at that deep emotional core, as writing in this blog has become to me, is that it effects you when your relationship with that thing is even slightly off in its functioning. That is how I know that this blog has become an extension of how outlet emotions and ideas; I now have a clog in my mental workings, it is effecting how often I am able to post, and it is bothering the crap out of me.
So, let's see... Of the last few months, what haven't I really gotten off of my chest? Well, the first thing would have to be how hard its been going through all of this responsibility stuff, ever since my mom got laid up YET again. Lots of times its not fair being the big brother, oldest son. This time I promised myself and my family that they weren't going to see me waver, but I don't know that I've really even given myself any private time to cope with all of this. Or has it just become so pervertedly commonplace that I just lay back and accept it and therefore I am, in some way, fine with the whole situation? Damn, I sure hope not. I don't want to ever really have parental illness be something that I view as commonplace or ordinary. Granted, I'm not going to let it get me down to the point of where I am unable to function, but I am also not willing to accept that it is just a fact of my personal life. That's bull-ish, as the edited rap songs would say.
Secondly, I've had kind of a hard time with quitting smoking. That vice has always been in the tricky stage where I've never been fully physically dependent on it. There has been no prevailing physical addiction to those devices. However, I have leeched onto the concept and the act of smoking mentally, I feel. It, somewhere along the line, became a conducive material for lucidity and clear thought. It also became a killer way to pass the time. Now, that I have been trying to give it up, my mind keeps fighting it, perhaps even insomuch as it refuses to let me say or think what I really need to because I don't have cigarettes as a mental faucet anymore. Screw them, I don't really need them. It'll just take a little while longer to convince myself that that really is true.
I've also hit this weird spot in my life. It seems to have become an anual spring thing: I have this crisis of identity and functionality. I feel a cessation of my contribution into the "real world" and thereby withdraw/pull out of it, or at least attempt to. I did this last year and left UC. I'm doing it again this year, and mucking up my classes. Its not a good feeling, and I'm allowing myself to be victimized by circumstances well within my span of ctrl-alt-delete. Ooh, that was kind of clever. A life lesson and a computer geek pun. Haha... I cheered myself up. But seriously, I need to buckle down and just fix this crap. Grown-ups don't do that, and I'm twenty-one years old, dammit. And, besides that, I'm a MATURE twenty-one year old. We don't act like this, at least not in theory!
Finally, I had one of those opposite gender problems yet again, go figure. I don't know how this will be solved, but, since I don't want to risk insulting any involved parties, I can leave it at this: I'm not worthless, I'm not a user, those are the only two points about myself that I or anyone else need remember. All explanations of those bits of information are superfluous, and unnecessary.

Well, for what it's worth, that made me feel a whole lot better. Now I'm going to go to bed, wake up, put in one of my last Sundays at my FCA job, and then get my life back in order. Gabriel out.

So sayeth The Brad...

Wow

2005-03-22T15:10:00.000-05:00

So, I don't normally do this...

But, yeah, ask me about last night.

Ha ha ha.

Pane

2005-02-21T01:13:00.000-05:00

Behold, I see heaven
Through glass that is stained,
Panes breathing hope
So divinely ordained.
And as warm light seeps in
It is colored in tones
Giving life to this world
That's so cold and alone.

You can't see the eternal
Till the dust catches flight,
Then it burns beams of glory,
That streaked, newfound light.
For while dust is the saints
For whose deaths we have cried,
The light it reflects is
God beyond the other side.

Oh Child, who sits
In a corner of shade,
By a window that holds
A Man beaten and flayed:
You shall grow and mature
And then give back your soul.
To dust you'll return;
For your Lord you've extolled.

You can't see the eternal
Till the dust catches flight,
Then it burns beams of glory,
That streaked, newfound light.
For while dust is the saints
For whose deaths we have cried,
The light it reflects is
God beyond the other side.

In a window no draperies hide
Stands a man who bleeds from his side.
With hands and feet broken
On planks He is hung,
Yet He tilts his head back
"Oh my Father," He sighs.
The Father's Light pours through the panes
And the people rejoice and exclaim:
Hallelujah
(again)
Hallelujah
And over and over give praise to His Name!

So sayeth The Brad...

Communion

2005-02-14T11:21:00.000-05:00

Why do you feed me
From loaves that were bought with your flesh?
Why can I drink from
The wine-springs that flowed from your wrists?
Your holy communion has given me rest
And, for my future, a hope and a promise

Like wheat from the field,
Or grape from the vine,
They ground up your body
And pummeled your spine
But, next to your harvest,
No other is best
The draught of Life given
From you, The Winepress

So sayeth The Brad...

Cumulus

2005-02-08T22:54:00.000-05:00

Stretch out your hand
Lift up your palm
Run fingers through sunlight
And nails 'cross the lawn
See all the beautiful
Things to be found
That began from the moment
We lay on the ground

It's an affirmation of my life
(When raindrops fall)
Let good times roll and run
(And thunder clap loud)
Dance, play with tilted heads
(Let lightning hit ground)
Little child, we have silver linings
(For which we need a cloud)

Sit by a pool
Perfumed by sweet air
Son, hold close your lover
And brush her soft hair
Thank God that he's given
A life with such sun
Inside of a world
Ugly and overrun

It's an affirmation of my life
(When raindrops fall)
Let good times roll and run
(And thunder clap loud)
Dance, play with tilted heads
(Let lightning hit ground)
Little child, we have silver linings
(For which we need a cloud)

If there is no war,
What happens to peace?
If we've never hungered
Why, then, sup at the feast?
And if death didn't come
Would we bother to live?
If clouds never came
Then no linings they'd give.

It's an affirmation of my life
(When raindrops fall)
Let good times roll and run
(And thunder clap loud)
Dance, play with tilted heads
(Let lightning hit ground)
Little child, we have silver linings
(For which we need a cloud)

So sayeth The Brad...

Veritas

2005-02-04T11:47:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when I feel like reaching out
To see if I can stretch right through my brown
And dirtied carpet floor
I lay down and listen to the things
Caught wafting upwards, scents and sounds
And secrets uttered nevermore
They’re talking all about me
From several flights below
Seeing through my clever guises
To the me I didn’t want to show

Its keeps me going late at night
The coffee stimulates my mind
And it comforts me to know that
I’m not the only of my kind
But all this talk of my
Dark conformity
Has got me wondering who I am
And why I don’t know me.

Accusations bleeding through the fibers
Of my vintage jacket sleeve and through
The soles of tattered shoes
They would hurt my soul if I still had one
Stolen from the pages of a magazine
That I had flipped and torn through
Slowly they have scrutinized
Everything I thought I had
Made me feel just like the guy
Who says that he's Edge
But only because he still lives with his mom and his dad

It keeps me going late at night
The coffee stimulates my mind
And it comforts me to know that
I'm not the only of my kind
But all this talk of my
Dark conformity
Has got me wondering who I am
And why I don't know me

I can't stand this
Take it away
I'd hurt from the pain,
But its not mine anyway
You say I have nothing
I myself have wrought
I'm losing a battle
Not mine to have fought...

Sometimes at night I cry and moan
I weep alone and sob to no one
And somehow that's alright
I know that none can take away these tears
They're all mine to use and I
Use them all through the night.
They still talk about me
Until this very day
But I don't mind at night when crying
It drives murmers right away

So sayeth The Brad...

Sophia

2005-02-04T02:02:00.000-05:00

Though no plaque or inscription bears witness to your name,
Nor do the people shout praises of your fame;
To the boy that belongs to you for all time,
As the one you have brought to this life so divine
Your GREATEST act was giving him a life he loved so
And his HARDEST act will be letting you go

(i love you)

Shadows

2005-01-30T04:44:00.000-05:00

You have followed me for all these years
Creeping through my dreams, my thoughts, my fears
Still you haunt my steps; it seems to be
You're echoing the unknown and obscene
So I took you and I ironed you against the wall
Believing lies that promised you'd be gone...
Not for long...

Shadows
Always there beside;
Showing what's inside.
Shadows
Mirrors all around;
Streaming on the ground.
Lust. Anger.
Hate. Greed.
Shadows

My fatal, muted doppelganger
Manipulating joy and anger
Please don't lead my heart to evil deeds
Turn your maliced works away from me.
With a maw that's black as pitch and darkened,
Filmy skin so harrowingly cold...
Takes its tole...

Shadows
Always there beside;
Showing what's inside.
Shadows
Mirrors all around;
Streaming on the ground.
Lust. Anger.
Hate. Greed.
Shadows

Emerging from the footfalls in my past
Stirring up the cravings that continue to last
Cover me in shining light, my Savior,
Eradicate this phantom next to me...

Fed by wasted, dried emotions
Lining hallways, doors and curtains
Draped so cruelly and devoutly
Scraped on everything I care about
I'm no boy from Neverland
With my fair Wendy close at hand
To tame this evil, shallow beast
That's made of all the muck inside me.
Someone please take him away
Please today
(Please)
(Today)

Shadow
Always there beside
Showing what's inside
Shadow
Mirrors all around
Streaming on the ground
Lust. Anger.
Hate. Greed.
Shadows

So sayeth The Brad...

Phoenix from the Snow

2005-01-30T03:30:00.000-05:00

Scaling pipes and drains I find
Solace in the steeples of my mind
Then jump off and glide
Into a courtyard's sea of snowy white
I spread my arms, I'm falling back
And then I die:
Yet from this frozen waste,
Again alive.

I'm the phoenix that is born
From icy night, not ashen morn,
I melt, but frigid death's not known
To frozen beak and chilly bone
But for the snowflakes and the hail
These skies are lonely ones at night.
Until my death comes once again,
My mind's white storms bear wings their flight.

I'm crashing to the ground
Breaking through the ice I start to drown
Winter waters flow
Into my veins, my blood stops and I know:
The life is leaving,
Breath by breath.
I'm born again, 'neath
Glacial death.

I'm the phoenix that is born
From icy night, not ashen morn,
I melt, but frigid death's not known
To frozen beak and chilly bone
But for the snowflakes and the hail
These skies are lonely ones at night.
Until my death comes once again,
My mind's white storms bear wings their flight.

The winds of many lands
Have blighted my back
And yet they still
Carry me forward and drive me
Out into the west
And straight into the sun
Wings flapping and melting
And dripping their marrow
But as that sun rises
Revealing me dead
At night I'll rise high
From the snow that this phoenix has bled.

So sayeth The Brad...

Toasting a Union

2004-10-30T01:37:00.000-04:00

This one goes out to my buddy Shad. I consider myself extremely blessed to get to be part of he and Meghann's special day tomorrow. And, since I didn't get to be at the rehearsal dinner tonight to make my toast, I'll make it now.

Here's the joining of two; let no man ever separate what God has combined into a singular, blessed union.
To the man, we charge you to be a worthy husband. Delegate your time, energy, money, and resources to the greatest benefit of your wife. She is now your responsibility as an extension of yourself. Provide for her in the ways that God has shown you. Let your attitude reflect a Godly love; one that is patient, kind, humble, and full of grace.
To the woman, we charge you to be a worthy wife. Delegate your care, fervor, and emotion to the greatest benefit of your husband. He is now your pride, as you two have become intertwined souls. Never let anyone lessen your part in this relationship; you are a pillar upon which this marriage can stand or crumble. Let your demeanor also reflect a Godly love; one that is gentle enough to comfort, but strong enough to admonish.
To the couple, we charge you to respect this union that God has created today. You are to uphold it as nothing less than a reflection of the unity that the church, as Christ's bride, enjoys with our Savior. Above all else, even each other, love the Lord our God. In doing this, you cannot help but love each other. We all cherish you, and celebrate the life you have begun.
Blessings!!

So sayeth The Brad...

The Angel Prepared Me

2004-10-25T23:41:00.000-04:00

Indicting the quiet -
Insulting the crowds -
Inciting a riot -
Interpreting vows -
All these things and more I do for
Reasons I can't stand.
Giving everything I wanted
For a people stilted; stunted.

Tell me your secrets
Sweet Gabriel Angel,
And while in the womb, I'll listen to you
Just give me the lips
That are cleansed by the coal;
One day I'll speak mysteries too.

Remanding the fake
Regarding their lies -
Recinding the hate
Repressed in their eyes -
All these things and more I do
For people hard to swallow.
Leaving all I cared to find
To make my case and speak His mind.

Tell me your secrets
Sweet Gabriel Angel,
And while in the womb I'll listen to you
Just give me the lips
That are cleansed by the coal
One day I'll speak mysteries too

Unplanned caring,
Understanding
Underwhelmed and
Undemanding;
Feeling hopeless and disjointed,
I still stay the course:
Loving they who thought me heartless;
Stayed though I'd like to depart this.

Training, strained and forced service,
Standing, hands been wrapped with binding,
Fighting, plights have almost hurt us,
Crying, sighs come as they're dying.

Tell me your secrets
Sweet Gabriel Angel,
And while in the womb, I'll listen to you
Just give me the lips
That are cleansed by the coal
One day I'll speak mysteries too.

So sayeth The Brad...

Remedy to a Malady

2004-10-25T15:26:00.000-04:00

The clouds are thick and rising.
Sleeping while the hull is leaking,
I woke you to a quick rebuking
Dreaming that soon we'd be sinking.
All my worries
Now remanded,
As you calm it -
Single-handed.

Calm the storm in me,
Break shackles, set me free;
Work the supernatural,
Miraculous
Remedy.
Release a faith in me,
If only tiny seeds;
Give a humble servant
Undeserved
Remedy.

You called me one evening -
Walking cross the dark waves, shouting.
Faith in hand I started stepping:
Drowning when I started doubting.
Water covered
Eyes and face, yet
You pulled me up
And chided me for being faithless.

Calm the storm in me,
Break shackles, set me free;
Work the supernatural,
Miraculous,
Remedy.
Relase a faith in me,
If only tiny seeds;
Give a humble servant
Undeserved
Remedy.

Healed so many lepers
Saved so many more
Demons fled and lame men walked
To the Savior of the poor.
Fed a thousand strong
And raised himself from dead.
Come to me, oh Son of Man:
Give me more faith than I've had.

Reaching to you, calling -
To touch your hem while falling;
Work a supernatural,
Miraculous
Remedy.
Beckon me from dying
And I'll walk to you smiling;
Give a humble servant
Undeserved
Remedy.
Calm the storm in me,
Break shackles, set me free;
Work a supernatural,
Miraculous
Remedy.
Release a faith in me,
If only tiny seeds;
Give a humble servant
Undeserved
Remedy

So sayeth The Brad...

My Second Side

2004-10-14T01:31:00.000-04:00

I'm dreading things that I'll become
When you expose
My other side;
What's written there was never
Meant for any-
One but me.
Hold me to the light and think that
You can see
My other side;
Really it's distortion and
A backwards
Lie you see.

The monsters on my map
Don't live in undrawn tides-
They dwell inside the ink
Splattered on my second side

You try to flip me over so
I will show
My other side,
Then whimper when you see just what
It is that
You will get.
Wondering why you can't discern this
Image on
My other side:
Scrawled upon my back with ink made
Up of what
You can't accept.

The monsters on my map
Don't live in undrawn tides-
They dwell inside the ink
Splattered on my second side.

Careful, traveller, here are things
That dwarf the monsters you have seen
What look like angels by the day
Do turn to demons straightaway
And blow you far to distant lands
Which leaves me all alone again.

So sayeth The Brad...

I Was the Worst of Sinners Here

2004-10-10T23:51:00.000-04:00

I was the worst of sinners here,
With conscience cloudy and unclear;
Standing by while rocks were thrown
And guarding cloaks while hurling stones.
Though other hands were stained that day,
With crimson nails and sullied face
I stood my ground, but looked away
From killing he who preached the Way.

Killed so many sinners; but slaughtered many more
Through apathy or compromise, these servants of my Lord
And though I see no bodies or wreckage in my wake,
The loss is counted all in souls I helped to wear or break.

I've made martyrs out of brothers
Never bound to me by mother
Or the strictures of a system
Linking through geneticism.
Siblings intertwined at souls -
I've punctured, skewered, stuck with holes.
Left my loved ones in the cold
And buried them for being bold.

Killed so many sinners; but slaughtered many more
Through apathy or compromise, these servants of my Lord
And though I see no bodies or wreckage in my wake,
The loss is counted all in souls I helped to wear or break.

Neutered gospel,
Broken strides,
Selfish and
Unbroken pride -
Lead me to the
Darkened sides
Of treason and
Averted eyes.

Harmed the witness of the ones
That got ovations from the Son
"In the past," I've heard it said,
But still it's ringing in my head:
The sound of stoning Stephen dead.
So sayeth The Brad...

A Contemplation of My Brokenness

2004-10-08T02:36:00.000-04:00

I looked down
And feathers, once mighty,
Now snapped and broken,
Bent and torn,
Lay strewn about the ground
Like drops of down I had bled
Unceassingly.
Unto the earth they had fallen,
As if I had shed them willingly,
Yet only I was to know
It had not been my desire
But had been desired of me;
To create a perfect
Servant
I had been rendered flightless,
And on the ground
I knelt.

People walked around,
Looked with eyes
Of oblivion,
And none saw my shame.
Did any realize my pain?
No one there
To understand the breadth
Of my humbling.
A few might stare -
With minds not yet to comprehend -
But still not a one,
For me there was no companion
In thought or experience;
Abandoned in the wilderness
Of my destroyed pride.

As I clutched the shards
And feathered pieces
That once had born me unto that
Sky above,
I looked ahead, unable to believe
Or know what I must do.
And so I simply unclenched my fists,
Dropping what I clung to,
Inching to what
I had to accept,
My hands crept over shoulders
To wings that were not there.
While feeling still their potency,
Desiring their presence
Upon my back,
All that was left:
My shame
My scars
My wings now broken at the stems

God looked down and nodded,
I looked down and wept;
Accepting all my training
And tears of blood to shed

So sayeth The Brad...

Black Hole Girl

2004-09-25T03:29:00.000-04:00

I looked to reaching ebony,
So black I thought I'd cry
And saw the face of She, unknown,
My Black Hole in the sky.
Drawing all into her grasp,
An ever-tightening spot.
Stealing light from everything
I hoped or knew or thought.

Where once had been a figure
Of a woman
Out in space,
Now stands a blackened hole that
Will not tarry
From this place.
My stunning archetype of thee,
Collapsing in eternity.

These aching eyes have dreamed the light
Of worlds so far away;
Too far to tell if they're alive
Or tortured and decayed.
My waxen wings still carry me
Into a solar climb;
Yet still they melt and burn away,
Without a sun to find.

Where once had been a figure
Of a woman
Out in space,
Now stands a blackened hole that
Will not tarry
From this place.
My stunning archetype of thee
Collapsing in eternity.

Black Hole Girl,
Hold me close,
And stave away
The pain...
Black Hole Girl,
Don't let go,
Don't let go...

Where once had been a figure
Of a woman
Out in space,
Now stands a blackened hole that
Will not tarry
From this place.
My stunning archetype of thee
Collapsing in eternity.

So sayeth The Brad...

The Deep Breath Precedes the Climb

2004-09-21T22:07:00.000-04:00

It's so lonely at the top,
With no rungs yet left to climb
Nothing but a foothold and an echo
Did I really reach the peak
Or just tire before my time,
Too weary to look upwards anymore?

And I've scaled these tower stairs a million times
Chronicled and riddled them with verse and note and rhyme
Looking out the windows
As possibility shrinks away
High enough to see the lights
Of many other days
But all the things I long for stay below,
With nothing left above me but this firmamental dome.

I might come crashing down
Merely balance at this point;
Apex wasn't built for standing strong.
All the doubts just gathering
To herald my defeat -
Send me to the ground where I belong!

And I've scaled these tower stairs a million times
Chronicled and riddled them with verse and note and rhyme
Looking out the windows
As possibility shrinks away
High enough to see the lights
Of many other days
But all the things I long for stay below,
With nothing left above me but this firmamental dome.

Why is there never room for company
When having someone was the thing that spurned me on?
Why are there always those I leave behind;
Saved because I leave them there
While pressing upwards into colder, thinner, deadly atmosphere!?!

So sayeth The Brad...

A Failure Before My God

2004-09-19T23:45:00.000-04:00

So, I'm just about the world's biggest doofus. Oh, and don't forget to throw the adjectives spineless and lethargic into that description too. The time that I am posting this under is right around the time that I SHOULD have been giving a word to our church body. The Spirit was moving on my soul, but I fought it and missed my chance. So, in a (hopefully) repairative manner, I'm going to just post as much as I know I would have said. The rest is for you to pray about, if this part speaks to you. I can only apologize that I wasn't willing enough to deliver the whole message and see what the Spirit had in store. And for all those who find this a bit freaky, don't worry... I do too.

"If you cry out for strength, then turn to the One who is strong.
If you are calling for wisdom, should you not turn to the One who is wise?
When you are seeking guidance, look to the One who has paved the way.
If you desire balance, cling to the One who has given all power and weight.

A man who is seeking relief would not turn to another who desires to add to his burden.
Therefore, why do you rely on that which will not satisfy?
You drink from wellsprings that can never quench the thirst you carry,
And you eat from storehouses that leave you emptier than before.

There is only one Truth to which you must cleave,
There is merely a single Power which can satiate your desires.
Draw near to Me and receive My promise, fulfilled.
I will grant to you all that you require."

Whew. That was interesting. Hopefully it was helpful to someone. Oh, and perhaps this will mean that someone will start keeping me accountable to respond the next time the Holy Ghost moves on me.

So sayeth The Brad...

Calling Out to a Love Forgotten

2004-09-17T01:22:00.000-04:00

(SO, SOMEONE'S BOUND TO TAKE THIS ENTRY THE WRONG WAY, SO HERE'S A QUICK EXPLANATION. THIS IS TALKING ABOUT THE REFORGING OF THE PASSION BEHIND AN INTENSE RELATIONSHIP (ONE OF LOVE) BUT IT'S DESCRIBED AS A LONGING FOR A REKINDLED PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP. I LIKED THE CONTRAST, SO BACK OFF. IT'S MY BLOG. BUT SERIOUSLY, IF THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR SOMEONE OR IT OFFENDS JUST LEMME KNOW AND I'LL TAKE IT DOWN.)

Your scent has drifted in my door,
It's slipping cross the rug
Seeping through my pillowcase:
Anticipated love to take place.
Still the only thought that
Seems to stay with me anymore
While all the others fade, sepia toned,
You contrast space when I'm alone.

We need to get back to you and me
Twisted up in good times, tangled sheets,
Accomplishing amazing feats
Finding I can be complete.

In the corner of my room
I found a moan, leftover;
I clutched it to my heaving chest -
Reminder of what I had loved best.
All I do is sit and wait
For you to come back to my arms;
That's where my loving heart does show
I threw the sleeves out long ago.

We need to get back to you and me
Twisted up in good times, tangled sheets,
Accomplishing amazing feats
Finding I can be complete

Our silhouettes are tracing lines and
Curves through wisps of smoke we find
Trailing off the wicks of candles,
A shadow show is underway.
The night can keep our secret
As long as the pillows keep it
And we promise never to tell about
What we're doing here today...
And then I wake up, and think:

We need to get back to you and me
Twisted up in good times, tangled sheets,
Accomplishing amazing feats
Finding I can be complete
We need to get back to you and me...
So I can get back to everything else.

So sayeth The Brad...

Stained Glass

2004-09-14T22:47:00.000-04:00

Creation simply God reflects
And gives us means to see.
But what was once a modest window
Changed on Calvary.
My life and all the Earth was altered
Through when Christ was maimed;
His blood has made our lives into
His stained glass window panes.

So sayeth The Brad...

It's Hard to Date Jesus

2004-09-05T10:08:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so in response to my previous point; I ran into kind of a snag last night. Christ is definitely still the only person I need to complete my life, but yesterday I realized that having someone to supplement it wouldn't be all that bad. For example; I was sitting next to my friend Mike last night and I turned to him and said, "It's too bad that Jesus can't just chill and watch the movie with us. I think we need ladies for that." We had a good laugh about it, and then made some cracks about if God could really fit into our tiny little theater (He is big-boned, after all). However, that really did kind of run me into a bit of a connundrum. God is always with me, Christ never leaves me, the Spirit continues to provide... but darnit I sure wish they could just physically sit down and catch a flick with me. Or have a really great conversation with me while we sipped on some Starbucks. Or take me home to meet the parents (I hear that Mary and Joseph are good people).
I discovered that the hardest thing about being single, with no one in sight is that there are little things that I dig. I like it when I get to hold a girl's hand, I enjoy making someone laugh, I love trying to impress parents, etc. I get an eternity to spend with my Savior - in His presence - but there's no way to replicate that physically. You just feel so distant from Him when you know that you've got years left to spend before you get the honor of dwelling in Him. I just want to fill up a little bit of that pocket left by stupid, human emotions.
But the thing is that I have felt myself, as of late, becoming more and more picky. When you really look at it, everyone has let everyone else down at one point or another. I have let all of you that care to read this down, as you all have me. Now, this may have been in the past or it may be yet to come, the point is its slowly whittling down my relationships. People are just dissappointing. It's a bottomline truth that we all face. So at the end of all this, when all of the chaff is separated, really there's only that cosmic duo: God and self. And if we were being really picky, self wouldn't have any place in that relationship, but God lets it happen anyway (because He's amazing like that). Everyone has one relationship in which the other party will never let them down. People may think that God dissappoints, but he doesn't. We do dissappointing or shameful things, and when we have no one else that we want to blame it on (least of all ourselves) we chuck it on Him. He's never been unfaithful to even those most worthy of scorn. Heck, we don't like to think about it, but He was even faithful to someone like Hitler (in that God has judged and dealt with him justly according to how he chose to live his life).
So, in essence, we're "stuck" with only this one truly satisfying relationship. The nice thing for most people is that they are able to find someone who they're willing to be patient with, willing to gloss over their faults if they promise to forget their own. I don't seem to be able to do that. I wish I could, but when you hold all prospects up to the light of Christ... eh... its just not something that I'm able to get past. Don't get mad though. I absolutely love everyone that I am in a relationship with now; I would and will gladly do anything for you. You just can't be my girlfriend (sorry all you young, hopeful guys out there).

Summation of entire entry: Gabriel's a bit miffed because he can't hold Jesus' hand or buy Him popcorn at the theater.

So sayeth The Brad...

This Path that Lies Before Me

2004-08-30T14:42:00.000-04:00

This is a song all about looking for your soulmate ~ the one person you're destined to spend your life with. You won't always have the easiest time along the way, but every one of us has to pursue this goal during their life. We, as humans, desparately crave someone else to complete and satisfy us:

I traveled on for days,
Heading for the setting sun
By days the rays would cook my shoulders
Before their time was done,
And every night I laid my head
In lands I hadn't known,
While crying wearily;
But for the starry sky, alone.

When all the others passed me, I only sighed
To see those less deserving fly
Kept killing tiny bits inside

There's nothing else to bring this to a close
The road goes on, but how long only God knows
I beg for endings yet to come
It's been so long since tasting home
But no one hears my pleas except
The vultures and the crows.
And so I keep on going, growing,
Weeping, hurting, crawling; slowly,
Surely I am treading down that road,
The road to my Beloved.

At a juncture down the way,
Not on the maps I'd read,
Two well paved roads converged at mine;
A dusty path was straight ahead.
And though it was less tame,
No end yet in my sight,
I knew no good would come
If I digressed to left or right.

While all the others left me by and by,
I drowned the hurt and wiped my eye
And pressed on to the western sky.

There's nothing else to bring this to a close
The road goes on, but how long only God knows
I beg for endings yet to come
It's been so long since tasting home
But no one hears my pleas except
The vultures and the crows.
And so I keep on going, growing,
Weeping, hurting, crawling; slowly,
Surely I am treading down that road,
The road to my Beloved.

Through the rain and mire
Over bushes and barbed wire
Under forest canopy and bridge
Hoping that I'd find someone
To share the journey I'd begun
And finally make a just man out of me.
That's the end I wanted desperately...

When finally the path was spent
I saw beneath a tree
The person that had spent long months
Just waiting there for me.
It wasn't as I'd thought;
No loving woman met my eye.
Just a man with broken hands
And spearmark in His side.
I'd started out the voyage
As an infant crying tears.
But while looking for a partner
I had aged a lifetime's years.
But now the search was over
And with joy I merely sighed;
While curled up like a baby,
In my Savior's arms I died.

There's nothing else to bring this to a close
The road goes on, but how long only God knows
You beg for endings yet to come
It's been so long since tasting home
But no one hears those pleas except
The vultures and the crows
And so you keep on going, growing
Weeping, hurting, crawling; slowly,
Surely you are treading down that road,
The road to your Beloved.

I chose to end the song this way because I'm very sick of my lack of a significant other becoming everyone's concern all of a sudden. The point is, at the end of all things, the only one I know is going to be there is Jesus. Not a wife, not children, not grandchildren. Only Christ is certain, and it for Him that I tread this life. If I NEVER find someone, I don't care because I am already complete due to my relationship with He who is always faithful.

So sayeth The Brad...

from "A Supposed Oasis"

2004-08-23T16:56:00.000-04:00

This entry is actually an exerpt from the book that I'm writing called "A Supposed Oasis". It's all about complacency in Christianity and how to beat it. Half of it is fictional parable, the other half explanitory/discussionary essays. This is from the story component. It is the message of God to the people of a small town in the middle of a vast desert. He has provided for them in the form of a large fountain in the midst of the town, but they have taken His provision for granted and not lived their lives to the fullest for Him. This is the inscription on the side of the tower, commissioning the people to someday require more of themselves:

From the spout of the Fountain

Flow the crystalline waters that nourish your body.

From the pages of the Book

Flow the living waters that nourish your soul.

Both wellsprings have cost me;

Such an enormous price I paid to redeem you, Beloved.

I wept so long and so fiercely

Over the sacrifice it took to draw you near.

But while I alone cared for the field,

You may reap the harvest as I see fit.

Go, Beloved, and drink deep

From the waters of tears that have fallen.

So as long as I provide for you,

Listen to my roar, but also listen to my whispers.

I have plans for your prosperity,

But you must listen to my Voice to discern them.

Above all, know that I love you,

My precious Oasis in the desert's midst;

Yet also know that I have not delivered you

To live in this wasteland:

I have destined you to cross it.

Full chapters of the book will get posted in the appropriate blogspot as they are finished. The link is amongst the many on the right side of this blog.

So sayeth The Brad...

I Spat on His Sacrifice

2004-08-17T17:20:00.000-04:00

Long ago I lived in darkness,
Reveling in ebony
Until the day I understood,
He gave His life to bring me through
Still I seem to search for shadow,
Hiding from the light it seems,
Why does the sun seem too intense
And night's embrace seem soft and cool?

For my sins his limbs were broken,
When they stripped him, beat him, choked him,
And his blood was dripping off the tree...
All this I know, yet I falter,
Like I'm saying, "Holy Martyr,
Your sacrifice's not good enough for me."

"Live your life for me," he's crying
But I lean my head away and
Turn a deaf ear toward his weeping
Scoffing at thoughts of him dying.
"For your love alone I died!"
My Jesus sobs, and now I falter;
Is my life worth living like
I'm spitting on His sacrifice?

For my sins His limbs were broken,
When they stripped him, beat Him, choked Him,
And His blood was dripping off the tree...
All this I know, yet I falter,
Like I'm saying, "Holy Martyr,
Your sacrifice's not good enough for me."

Standing in Gathsemanae,
Thinking thoughts of you and me,
Knowing that at times we'd let Him down.
Still a willing paschal lamb
He died that we might not be damned
And trusted that we'd always come around.

For my sins His limbs were broken,
When they stripped Him, beat Him, choked Him,
And His blood was dripping off the tree...
All this I know, so I'll stand
And pledge my Savior, Son of Man,
A life worthy of Your sacrifice I'll gladly lead.

So sayeth The Brad...

Mere Messenger

2004-08-14T01:53:00.000-04:00

Two I used to speed my way
Two more to aide my breath and still
A final pair to
Bear my flesh
From pains that always tried to stay

Those six wings were broken long ago

Oh Father, did you hear them snap

And break away

And splinter,

Showered on the ground below?

I was once your Malachi,
Your weeping one to prophesy,
With tears to cry that never
Found their rest.
Once I had a purpose here,
A path to tread, a burden dear,
But now a mere worn messenger
With nothing left...

There were days I flew through sunsets
Sometimes it was through a starlit sky
And children laughed
And men would
Beg me just to be their guest.
Now I crawl on hands and knees, less
Than a man, more in the dark and
No one leaves lights
On for one
Who's made himself a wingless son.

I was once your Malachi,
Your weeping one to prophesy,
With tears to cry that never
Found their rest.
Once I had a purpose here,
A path to tread, a burden dear,
But now a mere worn messenger
With nothing left...

In a heartbeat,
White clouds were cold and black.
With no warning
Hail rained upon my back.
Yet it was not your failing
When I crashed upon the moor
But simply I grew weary
Of flying anymore...

"Reclaim this poor repentant fool"
I scream, as if the night can hear me;
And a Voice shoots
Through the sable
"That was all you had to do"
Soaring now with seraphim,
Through fair or stormy weather, and
When flying gets
Too tiring
I glide upon His airy breath of wind

Yet again your Malachi,
Your weeping one to prophesy,
Tears of delight mixed in
With tears of salt.
Again I have a purpose here,
A path to tread, a burden dear,
And through the ups and downs
So thankful for it all...

So sayeth The Brad...

To One Beloved

2004-08-11T01:16:00.000-04:00

I think that I need to preface this with a little something. This has been written with absolutely NO ONE in mind. If you're reading this, and you think this is you, then you sure suck at showing it because I have no idea. This is the byproduct of a long drive home and a lot of years of hope that are beginning to wear me out. I'm not an unreasonable man, so I've crafted this message to the person I'm destined to marry. Hopefully she'll know all of what I'm about to say, and prepare for when we might meet.

Dear Beloved,

I'm sorry that I don't know what color brings out your eyes, or what sound you like to fall asleep to.
I'm sorry that I don't know if you pull your brown hair back from your porcelain face, or you let wisps of blonde frame a face of bronze.
I'm sorry that I don't know why you cry sometimes, and I'm sorry that I don't know what sounds you like to fall asleep to.

I'm sorry that I don't know you.

I hope you know that I'm waiting for you, and I am counting the days until I meet you.
I hope you know that I strive to be a better man because of you, and demand of myself what I know is best for you.
I hope you know that your approval is of immeasurable worth to me, and your trust is all I desire.

I hope you know that I love you already.

I want to believe that you lie awake some nights and think about me.
I want to believe that you are the perfect complement to my strengths, and the perfect support for my weaknesses.
I want to believe that you work to better yourself, so that our relationship will grow and flourish.

I want to believe it, Beloved... Yet sometimes it is so difficult.

Your voice has been growing fainter in my thoughts, when once it called me to a future of happinness.
I am having trouble seeing you in the dark, you no longer beckon me to the end of the tunnel in my mind.
I have stumbled and I have fallen while I looked for you in the haze.
It gets so hard, and yet I will not give up hope and belief.

But one day my hope will fail, and my belief will let me go...

On that day will you be there to find me?
On that day will you be able to catch me?
On that day... will you say that you love me, you always have, and you always will.

I hope so Beloved, but if not, then that will be Goodbye.

With a Love That Grows Weary,
Bradley

Creation of Canada

2004-08-08T23:11:00.000-04:00

On the sixth day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said:
"Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?" "Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them."

So that was a little tale that I found hidden away in someone else's blog. I liked it so much, because of the offbeat humor and the Gabriel reference, that I've been meaning to put it up for some time now. I think that we can all learn a few good lessons from it, though. Every gold nugget of humor contains a bit of truth, or it wouldn't be as funny. Number one lesson has got to be the fact that whenever God gives you plentiful bounty out of grace, there will always be factors in place to balance the situation. No one has it completely on easy street. It may seem that some do; having success with women or money or whatever. However, I guarantee that there are extra circumstances in place that that person has to deal with that you or I know nothing about. God doesn't just heap blessings on the undeserving, that's true. But when he DOES give them to the deserving, he doesn't want the blessings themselves to become stumbling blocks.
The second lesson to learn is more about responsibility. When God places people, countries, things in positions of leadership, he also places responsibility in the hands of those so bestowed. The fact that we can be looked upon as "bad neighbors" means that, though much has been given to this country (and therefore much is expected) we have not lived up to it. That doesn't mean in terms of economic or foreign policies, etc. I'm talking in a strict spiritual sense. We, like so many other countries and cultures, are going the way of excess. We live in mediocrity and worship gods named False Progression and Politics. No nation like this was meant to stand. We have become haughty and squander our position. And this isn't America bashing, this is an admonition to the vast majority of countries out there. None of us are living up to what we should/could be. As one of my favorite songs says, "We were meant to live for so much more, have we lost ourselves... We want more than the wars of our fathers... We were meant to live for so much more..." We really were, ALL of us destined for better/greater/grander things. It's the brass ring that we think we're reaching so far and so hard to get, but in fact we keep falling short because we're not trying as hard as we'd like to think. Live up to expectations, everyone. It seems to be what most of my blogs are starting to say, nowadays. But, then again, we live in shortened times. Not much time is left to do the things we need to, so lets all shape up today so we can shape tomorrow correctly. Awesome. I knew you'd agree.

So sayeth The Brad...

Songs About Simple Things

2004-08-06T02:00:00.000-04:00

It's not an embrace and just short of a kiss
But I waited so long just to feel you like this
The thought of skin upon skin's
Got me slipping away...
The hand that I'm holding is porcelain smooth
A palm that I promise to never abuse
It says the words that we're too
Overwhelmed to say...

And I'll sing you a song about something so simple,
So taken for granted, which makes it unique
Imagine, we overlook all that's not sexual
And forget how it feels just to dance cheek to cheek...

You called me up crying, I said to proceed
You had to know I'd give whatever you need
But all I could do was just listen
And wish I was there...
The cries were cathartic, so you let them rain,
Aghast I was soaking up all of your pain
And I caught in the mirror
Myself crying all of your tears...

And I'll sing you a song about something so simple,
So taken for granted, which makes it unique
Imagine, we overlook all that's not sexual
And forget how it feels just to dance cheek to cheek...

Laying in grass,
Making you proud,
Combing your hair,
Leaving a crowd,
Embracing your faults,
And shouting out loud
That I love you.

And I'll sing you a song about something so simple,
So taken for granted - the feeling it brings
A hand and a hold, A call and a listen,
The passion that lies behind everyday things
And I'll sing you a song about something so simple,
So taken for granted, that makes it unique
Imagine, we overlook all that's not sexual
And forget how it feels just to dance cheek to cheek...

So sayeth The Brad...

A Nightmare's Messiah

2004-08-04T23:45:00.000-04:00

A river down the hallway.
Tragedy and manufactured fears
Are slowly bringing me to tears.
A candle's burning in the doorway.
I kneel down and cannot rise
I try to stand but falter
And I'm drowning in the water
As it covers up my eyes

Soon what's left in sight
Is my hand above the water,
Reaching for the light.

And you always save me,
Jump right in to claim me,
Redeem me from my dreams
And things unseen.
You are my hope for shattered ends,
Clinging to your battered friend,
Then throwing me to safety
Once again.

A pathway walked alone
Upon a field that's struck by moon
And as I peer into the gloom
I turn and fall like stone.
The grass begins to cover
And the earth is feeding on me
There are creatures all around me
But all I do is shudder.

Soon what's left in view,
Is my hand above the chaos
Reaching for the moon.

And you always save me,
Jump right in to claim me,
Redeem me from my dreams
And things unseen.
You are my hope for shattered ends,
Clinging to your battered friend,
Then throwing me to safety
Once again.

In return, all I have
Out of every last breath;
Giving thanks for the most,
Giving love for the rest.

So sayeth The Brad...

Different Choices

2004-08-02T19:19:00.000-04:00

Last week, to the day, I found myself (along with a few other intelligent young men) watching the newest film by Clint Eastwood, Mystic River. First of all, it was a great example of a movie that can polarize people. Out of everyone that I've talked to, people that have seen this movie fall into one of two groups: those that LOVED it, and those that LOATHED it. I think, perhaps, the reason that people could be so divided over whether or not this was a good movie comes from the very real passions and emotions that the film deals with. If you are a person overrun with such themes as the movie delves into, then you might find it to be too much. Perhaps you might even find it to be not interesting at all. The fellows and I, however, really connected with/were affected by the movie, and thereby enjoyed it immensely.
Towards the end of the movie, a postulate is posed by one of the main characters. He and another man are contemplating a recent tragedy that had occurred, and its direct correlation to another very real tragedy that had occurred during their childhood. He voiced the thought that, if only the tragedy had happened to one of them (instead of their other childhood friend), this new tragedy wouldn't have happened. That supposition set up, in my mind, a train of thought which wrapped around certain defining events/crossroads in my life. Each landmark memory was of a time that I, through either my action or inaction, contributed drastically to the life/circumstance that I am currently living in. It's taken me about a week to process this, and after some lengthy though on the issue I'm finally ready to express my thoughts and whatnot. So I'll tackle both of the memories respectively within this entry:

In winter through spring of 2002 I was gearing up to go to college. So, right there, you've got a time that spells milestone for a lot of people. Choosing a college can and does drastically affect the future of your education, your career, and (many times) your spiritually growth (or spiritual decline). I was going into this time severely doubting myself and my ability to function in the real world. The World - as "adults" live it - always seems daunting to you until you actually start functioning within it, and I was already beginning to feel the cold sweat in anticipation of this raw, unadultered reality. Burdened by this, the pressure of four AP classes, and about a zillion other things, I began to examine what I was doing and why. One thing that became clear to me was that theater was a priority I set high above many others. Plus, I could think hard about a number of different careers, but none of them fit my idealistic/romantic stance of wanting to find a future career that I LOVED. I loved nothing but theater. And it was with this in mind that I applied to several different fine arts programs within major universities. This is where it branches off into two distinct decisions that affected two different parts of my life today.

The first was my career decision. I had looked at it and saw that not only did I love it, but I had success in it. I had won contests, national recognition, desired roles, etc. Then I applied to CCM, and was accepted into one of the most prestigious fine arts learning institutions in the country. I was feeling pretty good about myself, and was assured that this success meant that I had made the correct decision. But look at me now. I've been out of college for six months. I really only stayed in the drama program for two quarters. So what happened? Looking back, I wasn't really listening to where my heart or my spirit were telling me to go. I was listening to selfish ambition and external circumstance, and receiving that as proof that I needed to act accordingly. See, truth be told, there was another career that I could have considered. It was the ministry, something that as a child I had considered to be my chosen profession. But my zeal died, I became soft and complacent, and my beliefs became less important. I decided that I didn't need to respond to that calling, that I could take my time with my own plan and then do God's plan sometime after that. He could wait... I couldn't. End of story, so I thought. I had even received a prophetic word from a dear friend, basically affirming God's aspirations for me to be in the ministry. But I turned a deaf ear, and calmly explained to my friend that I would get around to all that in my own due time. Looking back I cringe at how I responded, and I can remember the saddened/dissappointed face that was on my friend that night, as she watched and listened to my disregard. So now I am awaiting to return to school and finally start the path that I was meant to follow all along. I couldn't hold onto a plan that only served myself before it started to crumble. And I can't help wondering how different my life would be now if I had acted in the correct manner. I'd be two years into training for a ministry degree... now I'm going in as a third-year Frosh. I would be THAT much closer to the goal I now seek if I could have just listened better. But, on the flip side, I wouldn't have made some of the friends I've made, or had some of the experiences I've had.

The other decision I had to make was more about location than it was about education. I could have chosen to go to schools as far as California, or as close as fifteen minutes away. So I did heavy introspection on what was or wasn't keeping me here. On one hand, I was consumed with the desire to leave, which many others my age can certainly empathize with. When you go to college, there is this expectation that it will bring you immense amounts of freedom. Since this isn't completely true, I think most hang on to this delusion because (if you leave home) college will at LEAST mean freedom from mom and dad's rules of the house. You'll get other rules, for sure, but none like the ones that parents enforce. This call for freedom turns most college-aspiring youngsters into passionate bohemians, ready to escape the intellectual/social/sexual/whatever "tyranny" of the parents and embark into a new world where they can freely express whatever they need to. I could feel the pull of this influence on myself, also. But I didn't know if that was enough to engender a definite NEED to stay. Then, on the other hand, there were the friends that I would have to say goodbye to if I left. All of my best friends were staying in the general area. Staying around Cincinnati would keep me central, a perfect place to keep in touch with all of them. But then again, I knew that the friendships that were really worth it would withstand any distance thrown in their way. So I also didn't know if THAT was even enough to definitely keep me from going. Racked with emotional stress from both sides - seemingly equal in strength - tugging on me, I was having a hard time with the issue. Then everything began to happen with my mom. She woke up one morning in early January and found that lump. All of a sudden she was going in for surgery and I was having to be supportive and stay strong for the siblings. Everything happened so fast. That's when I knew I couldn't leave. Even if she was never troubled by it again, I knew that my going away to college would come before her treatment was over. I couldn't justify that, couldn't take it, couldn't bear it. So I stayed. I stayed in the city that I had already given eighteen years of my life to. And looking back on that, I have to say that its one of the decisions I'm most proud of. I love the life I lead, but more importantly I've been able to be there for my family. I don't expect this situation with my mother to ever fully resolved. I don't know whether I'll get to have her be at my wedding, don't know if my siblings will have a mother for as long as I've had. But what I DO know is that I get to be there for all of them. If something happens, I'll be ready and able to provide. Looking at my mother yesterday, talking about all of this to her while she was sitting in a hospital bed in their living room and being treated for her THIRD bout with this stupid cancer, I knew I had made the right choice. And I knew it because I was there, I was squeezing her hand, I was crying with her, I was holding her, I was talking to her. We could tell eachother how we felt without the impersonality of email or the phone. It was the real human contact with her that I never want to give up for as long as either of us lives. THAT'S how I knew I was right. And that almost makes the my other, failed decision alright. I have more time to work on that. I might not get much more time with my mom.

This is one of those subjects where I can't offer concrete evidence to MAKE you understand or follow the advice that I'm giving. All I can say to you, friend and stranger alike, is that above all else you need to recognize that every decision you make becomes critical at some point. If it didn't matter, then a decision wouldn't be needed. If you don't have that mindset, you set yourself up for uninformed or even careless decisions. Sometimes you'll even get caught in INdecision. You have to be ready to stand up and make the right choice, no matter what that means. I didn't in one instance, and I have two years of my short earthly span that I can't get back. Then again, following this advice is a DECISION that you have to make for yourself. So go ahead. Make your move.

So sayeth The Brad...

Why "Gabriel" ?

2004-07-12T16:44:00.000-04:00

Now that I've had this blog up (and running under this name) for a good while, there have been a decent amount of people that have inquired as to why I'm so digging on this Gabriel fellow. There are, of course, a host of different reasons, and it is with this issue in mind that I will compose this entry. Man, this feels like the beginning to the start of every essay I wrote in elementary school. So come, spread those wings and fly with me:

The Nature of Angels
First of all, you have to understand what an angel is and where the tradition of belief in such beings comes from. The word angel is derived from a Hebrew word meaning either "one going" or "one sent". As such, it can be used to describe either a human or a divine messenger. The human component will be discussed later, but it is the divine/spiritual sense of the word that I will first address.
The vast majority of Christian theological thought presupposes that these spiritual beings were created before man. Exactly when cannot accurately be surmised, but it is important to note that they are considered to have been created in the same manner of man (and indeed all created things). It is also interesting to consider that the angels were the only sentient witnesses (barring the Almighty) to our creation as humans. So perhaps their creation occurred before ours to signal that they would forever be in the service of humanity, through the will of God. Their very witness to our creation means that God considered it so special that he wanted others waiting there to not only marvel, but to also serve. And truly, every angel in heaven (or demon in hell) does serve some purpose. Even demons have to do their jobs, because there has to be another option (an evil option) for humans to grab so that free will can operate. So, in a way, angels are possibly the most purpose-driven of all creation. They embody their purposes, doing exactly what they were meant to. It's an interesting thing for humans to aspire to, but certainly not a realistic thing to expect. The odd thing is, angels primarily are seen in the Bible as being in the throne room of God, serving the Almighty. That means that, in order to provide for us, God takes his own servants and lets them minister to us. He is such a loving, caring Father that He gives of himself constantly in that fashion.
So, in a nutshell, to be a spiritual angel is to be in the service of humanity so as to be in the service of God. God loved us enough to not only send us His Son and His Spirit, but also His personal Stewards.

The Angels Four
Of the angels referenced in the Bible, only two are actually spoken of by name. Actually, there are three (in Catholic tradition), with the "extra" angel coming into play in the apocryphal book of Tobit. These angelic beings are known by name because of their significance within the hierarchy of such spiritual creatures. They are also given the distinction of being called Archangels, which is basically the name of their "order" of angels. Oftentimes archangels are equated with seraphim (six winged angels, as opposed to two or four), and I like to think that they ARE seraphim, just because that looks a lot cooler. Yes, even I am intensely shallow and superficial sometimes.
The way that I see the four main ones are through the eyes of spiritual gifts. Like I said, angels are the embodiment of purpose. That's why they were given no free will: God created them with a one-strike-you're-out policy. So I interpret these key characters as being some of the best examples, or rather explanations of three key spiritual gifts.
Michael is the first archangel on the list. I list him first because, though he is not my personal favorite, he is widely accepted as being the head honcho as far as angels go. He is the defender of souls from the Evil One, and is often portrayed as cutting down Satan (as prophesied in Revelation). With this in mind, I believe that Michael represents discernment. Discernment is the recognition of right and wrong, and acting accordingly based upon that recognition. For instance, Satan = bad so Michael gives him a big old slice of whammy.
Hand in hand with Michael goes Lucifer (aka Satan, Devil, etc.). He is the direct opposite of Michael, although he is considered to be more glorious than Mikey. He was the first angel to be created, and therefore is rumored to have TWELVE wings instead of six. Wow. Unfortunately for him, no amount of wings can make up for the fact that he's on the losing team. So, of course, I'm not too worried about Michael having any trouble slapping Lou down a few cosmic pegs when the time comes. Lucifer represents deception, which is not only the antithesis but also the direct enemy of discernment. It clouds the mind and blurs the lines of right and wrong, hindering a discerning mind.
Raphael, the apocryphal archangel, isn't nearly as cool or as important. He just shows up in the Book of Tobit and tells the main character that he beseeched the Lord for the healing of his blindness and for the devil to leave his son's wife Sara alone. So, therefore, I see him as embodying healing (I think that's a big "Duh!")
Finally, there's my main man Gabriel, who I'll discuss in the next section...

The Appearance of Gabriel
Gabriel shows up in the Old Testament twice, to Daniel. He is not referred to as an angel, however, with Daniel merely calling him "the man Gabriel". As I have said, though, angel can have that double meaning of both human and divine messenger. Plus, there are other examples of when angels appear as men in the Bible (i.e. the appearance of three men to Abraham and Sarah). It is Gabriel who helps him out with the interpretation and reception of prophecy (and if we remember anything about Old Testament prophecy, a great deal points to the Messiah). Fast forward to the New Testament. Gabriel shows up to Elizabeth to fortell the birth of John the Baptist (the guy who will introduce the Messiah), and to Mary (who BIRTHS the Christ child). It's also assumed by some that Gabriel is the angel that announes the birth to the shepherds.
Let's unpack this, shall we? First of all, all of this is in direct relation to prophetic works, specifically those prophecies that deal with Jesus (our Savior). So I don't think it's too huge a leap for me to want to use him as an example for the gift of prophecy. Simplified, that gift entails understanding what God is trying to communicate through you and then just communicating it. That's exactly what Gabriel does too. He's called the Angel of Annunciation, the patron saint of telecommunications and postal workers. He specializes in knowing what needs to be communicated and then delivering that message fast.
The other part of this will finally explain what his "Secret" is. The one that this blog is named after. The one that my screen name is after. Etc. The Secret that he carried around was Christ - his message of love, his life of service, his triumph through death. I like to think that this was something that God trusted only to Gabriel, his best messenger, to know until the time came for it to be revealed to the world through the life of a carpenter's son. That's how I feel, the liberation that I have experienced through Christ is a secret that I have. Though I tell everyone I can about Him, and I live my life so as to testify to the wonders of having faith in Him, the relationship that He and I personally share is something that is not duplicated with anyone else. Each person has their own unique relationship with Him, even if that is a non-relationship. That means that He longs to share the "secret" of Himself with everyone and anyone. It's the only thing that can be private and public all at the same time.
Bottom line, I love Christ. And because I love Christ, I respect Gabriel a whole bunch for doing his job. That's it. That's all. I'm not trying to worship or glorify a created thing rather than the Creator. I merely respect the fact that Gabriel does a job well that I try to grow more and more in everyday. He's an inspiration for myself and anyone else who believes that they are called to exercise the gift of prophecy. I'll try as long and as hard as I can to be the human "angel"/messenger that I'm called to be. And as long as I try, I'll still be a fan of my man Gabriel.

So sayeth The Brad...

A Consideration

2004-07-06T03:20:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking for a long time (and by a long time I mean about a week, if even that long) about an interesting business venture.
SPOILER ALERT: this is going to be a classic example of why I'm not a business savvy person; I'm going to just announce a genius, unclaimed idea into an open area (the internet) and give no thought or guard against those that could steal the aforementioned idea.
So, here it goes. AOL Instant Messenger (or AIM for the extreme web geeks who will want me to abbreviate) is by far the easiest and most popular way to instant message friends, family, and those that you are currently stalking. One thing I noticed was, due to the widespread popularity of this free service, many people have (since AIM's inception) racked up quite a few screen names. I, myself, have gone through about seven (including my current and hopefully final one, SecretOfGabriel). Multiply this by even half the number of people that use the service, and you have a hefty amount of screen names already taken. And we're talking ACCESSIBLE, easy to REMEMBER screen names. Not the ones with a clever name stuck in the middle of random words or numbers; not the ones where they couldn't get the real name on their first try so numbers are substituted for letters (example = B33RL0V35M3). I mean quality, simple names. Sadly, there is currently no real market for these used screen names. They just get cast to the wayside, apparently never to be used again. Well my idea is that I start making them, or buying them off of people, and just selling the suckers on eBay. Or somewhere.
Granted, there are currently TWO sellers on eBay that are doing what I'm talking about. But it seems they only have the one screen name to sell, and they're both pretty crappy names to begin with. So apparently this some virtually non-existant competition in this market. I'm not a bad screen name creator. I've come up with such classics as SpartanMascot and CrappyActor, I could surely come up with many more and sell them to make some decent pocket change. And the best thing is that it requires no shipping or anything, you just wipe the name clean, tell everyone on the buddy list "See ya later" and sell the password for some scratch. Then, just when you think it can't get any better, there are expansion possibilities. I've noticed that names for blogs run the same course. For instance, I recently changed my name on MySpace to Dangerous Angel, so I did a quick search to see if anyone had a blog by that name. Well, it turns out that some jerk weed does have a site. Which would be okay, normally. I mean, he seems pretty intelligent, and was writing the beginning of some interesting work. But he just stopped. After ONE entry. And this was TWO YEARS AGO. So that domain has just been sitting there for all that time (and when you consider that blogs only became popular around 1999 or 2000, this is almost half the blogging history that this thing has remained dormant). The sky is the limit. We can begin taking advantage of these free services whenever we want! So hey, if anyone wants in on this idea before it takes off, just let me know (it will be a definite plus for you if you know of any screen names already that people may be willing to part with).

So sayeth The Brad...

Insight # 4

2004-07-04T01:08:00.000-04:00

They say that my Archangel counterpart speaks to babies while still in the womb. There he imparts the knowledge that the baby will, in due time, need. Well, you're all in a womb of delusion, and it's about time that I slapped you upside the head with some truth. This is profound insight #4. I have declared it to be so, and so it shall be.

Being nice is unattractive.

So we've all heard that stupid, worn-out phrase "Nice guys (and ladies) finish last" right? I'm sure we've all used it or referred to it at one point in our lives. Well, for all the young adults out there, this phrase isn't completely untrue. It's just much too vague. You see, there is a REASON why nice people finish last. No, it's not because the guys lack the backbone or the fortitude to go and ask girls out while the jerks do. It's not because the girls fail to show interest to the guys, while all the bitchy, slutty ones do. Just because you're a nice person doesn't mean that you automatically are one of those that become extremely introverted and basically implode into themselves. Being a gracious human being doesn't liquify your backbone. Now, CAN nice people be spineless, and DOES that contribute to a small percentage of nice ones that get run over? Yes, of course. But, as this society is apt to do, we like to make a broad assumption about ALL nice people based on this very small minority. That's not fair, that's not accurate... That's just plain stupid. So let's stop, shall we? Alright, now the true insight, the real secret, is about to be unveiled. The reason that nice people (at least in the young adult age group) finish last is because NICE people are UNDESIRABLE. As much as you hear any girl say, "Oh, I just want a guy that will treat me right," or a guy say, "Oh, I just want a good girl," it's ALL a facade. Not everyone offers this lie on purpose or out of malicious intent, mind you. It's just that somewhere, deep down, it is only an extreme few of us (at this point in our lives) that want a nice girl/guy. Think about it: most guys find a girl that is cool to hang out with and provides no drama as boring. However, they LOVE the girls that play hard to get. Girls automatically assume that a guy who caters to their needs is a suckup, and that he doesn't have the kind of backbone that they not-so-secretly desire. They, of course, go for the guys that are concerned only with themselves, because that translates to them as "He can provide for me". We don't want what is THE BEST FOR US. Is this really so hard to believe? Look at the first insight I wrote. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY WANT. It's still true. Just cause I wrote that a few days ago doesn't make it less applicable. This , however, is the specific time in people's lives that, when they look back upon it in their twilight years, they say "Oh dear God, what was I thinking?" They experimented with drugs. They got drunk and didn't go to class, or woke up next to someone with three teeth. They fooled around with the same sex. But, most often, the day dream that prevails over all others comes back to "the one(s) that got away". We end up regretting the fact that we didn't stay with John, the sweet guy from campus. Or we didn't stay with Susie, the wonderful co-worker. Or whomever it was, whatever name goes with that regret. That's what leads to mid-life crises where we get sloshed and call up these ex's "just to see how they're doing". What could possibly be the reason for this? If it obviously turns out that these are the people we want to be with LATER in life, why doesn't everyone just get with them NOW? It's a very simple answer, and it can be expressed by another worn-out-but-true phrase: Hind sight is always 20/20. You look through any stack of photos and you're bound to see things in that picture that you didn't realize in the moment it was taken. In the same way, when we recall past experiences through memory, we remember how we should have acted, thought, felt. It's a sad, but true, state of affairs. As we are now, the flawed young people of this world, we are generationally retarded when it comes to doing what is best for us. Is there anything that the genuinely nice people of this day and age can do? No, short of completely changing who you are. And trust me, as someone who went through that, its not worth it. Be who you are destined/meant to be, nothing more but CERTAINLY nothing less. All I can do for us is send out a call to everyone else: WAKE UP. Realize today the reality of tomorrow. You WILL look back on this time in your life with regret if you continue on this path. Yes, I believe that there is a person that God destines each person to be with. Yes, I believe that we need to ready and prepare ourselves to be good enough for that person. But what if that other person doesn't shape up in time? What if we miss the chance because we're at one end of the scale and they're on another? Please, everyone, live with the mindset that what you do now DOES have consequences in the future. Be ready for who you're destined to be with. CHANGE YOUR MINDSETS, NOT YOUR PERSONALITIES. There, I'm done. I'm spent. This entry entailed several weeks of thought. Gabriel out.

The Impermanence of All

2004-07-02T01:48:00.000-04:00

I was outside tonight at 1:30 AM and just sitting on a bench in front of Old St. George. Usually my jaunts into the ebony nightfall of Clifton are habitually static; meaning that I stay in one place and just soak up what the night has to offer in terms of temperature and beauty. However, on this particular eve, I really felt that God was leading me to get up and walk a relatively short distance across the street so that He could show me something. So I did, because long ago I grew tired of not listening to what He had to say and command. And the best part is that I was not disappointed by what I found.
From across the street you get a pretty nice picture of what The George looks like as a whole. It's very picturesque, very beautiful, very awe-inspiring. But from its impressive facade, overlooking the long stretch of Calhoun street, I really got to receive a better sense of what impermanence truly is. Very simply put, impermanence is this world, this "reality" that we are living in for a short while. You don't get a sense of that as a Christian until you consider that that means EVERYTHING that we behold on this earth, EVERYTHING that we think we should hold dear (barring God, His service, and our place in eternity) is transitionary and ephemeral. That means our families. That means our friends. That means the house we live in, the bodies that we try to sustain, the works that we create. Every single, solitary bit of it will not stand up to the wear and tear of the eternal. All will pass away and be as if none of it ever existed. All we are left with in the end is the God of the Universe and His Kingdom.
One thing that we sometimes fail to see as impermanent, however, is the earthly Church. Think about it: one day, it will cease to be needed, because the faithful will be in the presence of the Almighty. Does that mean that the Church as we experience it now has no bearing? No, of course not. What it DOES mean is that one day the houses that we have built for Him will be pushed aside and all will be welcomed into the houses that He has prepared for US.
This came to mind as I noticed the cracked and missing shingles on the roofs of the towers; the broken-in windows on the facade of The George; the clocks that have long ago stopped moving their hands forward in time. That church was built on the assumption that there would always be a congregation for it. There would always be a "church body" at 42 Calhoun St., in the heart of Corryville. More than a hundred years ago, that was the reality on which The George was founded. However, now it stands as a community center; its potential being realized through the spiritual discussion that gets brought up within its many rooms. I like the reaction I get from some people when I tell them that the building was de-sanctified as a Catholic church in the nineties - that reaction is usually one of despair, sorrow, or pity. It's a prime example of people assuming eternity on something that is not.
A building is a building, a shrine is a shrine, a book is a book, an artifact is an artifact. Are some of these more God-serving than others? Absolutely. Is the Bible, for instance, much more than a book? It's words are, yes, but it's binding is not. We were never told to worship the building in which we conduct worship. We were never told to praise the pages on which the word of God was written. We were never told to venerate the wood on which Christ was hung. In fact, we were told specifically NOT to do that (graven images, anyone?). But the words that Paul spoke in Romans were true: we, somewhere along the line, began to worship the created rather than the CREATOR. If all in this world is ephemeral and impermanent (as it is), then we are called to worship our Father God who alone always has been and always will be. He needed no one and nothing to create Him, and He in turn created all of us. And while everything else that he created for us, and we have "created" for ourselves, may wither away, He allows us to join Him in eternity. Now, personally, I think that that is pretty darn praiseworthy.
Man, that took a lot out of me for so late at night. Hopefully that helped someone.
Gabriel out.

So sayeth The Brad...

Best Laid Plans...

2004-06-28T02:01:00.000-04:00

Basically, this weekend has taught me a few things. Hence, the many values (both poisitive and negative) of mistakes. So, while mistakes are not something that we have the right to make, they can often-times teach us our most needed lessons...

Don't live in fear of what you are unable or unwilling to do. But, in turn, don't lack the fear of doing things you ought not to do.
Don't hesitate to do the things you won't forget. But, in turn, don't lack hesitance in situations that you might regret.
Don't refuse the fact that you have the ability to touch people. But, in turn, don't lack the knowledge that you have the ability to hurt people.
Don't build your self-worth solely upon how others see you. But, in turn, don't lack the conviction to be as shining an example as possible.
Don't realize too late the things you failed to do. But, in turn, don't lack forgiveness for yourself when you have admittedly done wrong.

Do all these things; and start to live as one should truly live.
and live a life of balance.
and enjoy freedom from extremes.
and delight in what He provides us.

So sayeth The Brad...

Whispered

2004-06-24T19:41:00.000-04:00

The notes in this song are
Brimming with my words,
Overflowing with the things
I'd like to say.
What I'd love for you to hear
But I can't say because of fear
So listen up, I'll make it clear
With a softly whispered song in your ear...

I'm longing, and hoping, and needing to hold you
So softly, close to me, and don't you know that
I'll always protect you. Soft, unspoken words -
That I hope you heard...

Did you feel my heart jump
When I wrote you this line?
Thoughts of you creeping in
The single thing that's on my mind
On my heart that's on my sleeve
If you come closer you'll believe
Taste and touch and feel and see
And hear the way I wish it could be...

I'm longing, and hoping, and needing to hold you
So softly, close to me, and don't you know that
I'll always protect you. Soft, unspoken words -
That I hope you heard...

Standing at the waters edge
Waves are lapping at your heels
Sometimes beauty's not about
The other senses; just the feel.

So sayeth The Brad...

2D People

2004-06-23T16:19:00.000-04:00

What you've see is what you'll get
Culture based on looks alone
Bias drawn, bigots poised,
Paper person and a heart of stone.
Blinders on, they see nothing but
What's straight ahead;
If you're not pretty on the outside
You might as well be dead!

No depth, no breadth, no life
Living it out with just two sides
Blank stare - two dots for eyes
Blackened ink is what they cry
Shrouded up in darkened lies
Living out life with just two sides

The whole world is discus flat,
Improbable as it may be
Sheets of people walk around
Judging you and judging me
They will cut you with their edges
Razor sharp and paper thin
2-dimensional people flap
Like tissue in the wind!

Do you hear them coming?
Troops are on the march again -
I just can't escape them...
Multitudes of flattened men!

No depth, no breadth, no life
Living it out with just two sides
Blank stare - two dots for eyes
Blackened ink is what they cry
Shrouded up in darkened lies
Living out life with just two sides

So sayeth The Brad...

A Perpetuated Weariness

2004-06-20T01:36:00.000-04:00

I'm still weary in my heart from ravages by
the day
And long to feel the cold embrace provided through
the night
But longing as I am, and even hoping as
I may
I'm hearing voices in my head:

"Don't release your life"
They scream into the night

For when I lay my restless head on pillows'
downy fill;
When I trust that slumber provides a respite from
my plight;
I hear calls a million strong that threaten to
drown me still...
I'm hearing voices in my head:

"Don't release your life"
They scream into the night

For if I wake from sleep serene...

Was Life all
(merely)
Just a dream?

So sayeth The Brad...

Gabriel's Guide to Bad Kissers

2004-06-18T14:14:00.000-04:00

Welcome one and all to the Gabriel School of Kissing Education. Today you'll be getting a primer course in identifying when you have, indeed, had a bad kiss. You were engaged by a person who just plain SUCKED at kissing (and not in any kind of good sense either).
Now, everyone must understand that when a person is a bad kisser, that means they fall into one of the following categories/descriptions:

Teeth Gnashers - These poor unfortunate souls have the annoying and sometimes dentally detrimental habit of clinking, clacking and otherwise scraping their teeth into yours. This leads to the eroding of enamel, the destruction of your smile, the ruining of the mood, and that annoying teeth-on-teeth feeling. They can be especially bad if, say, they have braces. This can lead to the dreaded skin-grafting scenario, that NO ONE wants to get into. Cause then it gets biblical ("and there was wailing and gnashing of teeth...") This category also includes the Inappropriate Biters.
Succubi - These used to be lewd female demons that would coerce men into having naughty demonic sex with them (no joke, check your Bibles/Talmuds/Quarans/Demon books). Now I have made this the category for those who seem to think that passion equals an inappropriately extreme amount of tongue/tongue-action. A Succubus can be either a woman OR a man. These are those foul creatures that enter your mouth and go to work like they were excavating something. Full-on tongue attacks with hurricane gale force. It's a scary thing to be attacked by a Succubus: I was confronted a year ago and I still have yet to recover. This can also mean that perhaps the force of the tongue was not too great, but the amount was. These are the gag-reflux-inducing Succubi, a very tricky breed indeed.
Salivators - Ok, not much explanation is needed here. These are just people who don't get that kissing does not need nor warrant vast amounts of saliva left anywhere other than the inside of the mouth. No one wants to have to towel off after being with their kissing partner. So just stop it.
The Lost - These poor souls... stumbling through the darkness. Actually, these kissers are the ones that, even if it wasn't dark, probably couldn't find your head. They bump foreheads, push noses, and just get in the way of what the two of you are trying to accomplish. This is just plain disorientation, finding its way into the kissing scene. Its a sad thing, really... to be one's own worst enemy when it comes to smooching. And this disoriented state doesn't merely reside in the head... this happens when the hands, feet, any body part is just useless and obstructive. Now, granted, everyone has difficulties sometimes, but The Lost are the ones who refuse to acknowledge it or correct it. So sad.

Is there hope for these poor unfortunates? Of course there is. But as their partners, we need to be willing to offer help, be understanding and not criticize. If someone gives you a really bad kiss, and its someone you care about... then care enough to help THEM help YOU. It's that simple.

So sayeth The Brad...

Trendy vs. Practical

2004-06-13T19:10:00.000-04:00

trend·y
adj. trend·i·er, trend·i·est
1. Of or in accord with the latest fad or fashion: trendy clothes.

prac·ti·cal
adj.
1. Intended to serve a purpose without elaboration: practical low-heeled shoes.
2. Concerned with the production or operation of something useful: Woodworking is a practical art.

Usually I wouldn't write a followup entry. Nor would I write an entry as a response to comments from someone like Shaun (love you dude!), but this subject just can't be ignored. I promise I'll make this personal squabble brief and painless. Or maybe just brief. We'll see...
It was brought to my attention that for writing "Pink is the New Black?" on my blogger I was being hypocritical. I beg to differ. Yes, blogging or web logging did start out as a trendy thing. I offer you several reasons why it now fails to be so, at least in most cases. The first is that there is a marked difference between trendy and practical, as demonstrated above. This blog's purpose is not to keep with some kind of web standard, but rather because it gives me a very easy and PRACTICAL way of communicating thoughts to friends and releasing emotional/lyrical/whatever energy. I write in this blog to clear my mind, to vent frustration, to compose pieces, etc. I DO NOT write stupid, inane entries every few hours about my day and all of its trivialities. If I were to do this, then perhaps this would entail following a trend: desperately trying to come up with things to talk about so that there never goes by a day sans an entry. Another reason, much in keeping with the first, is that there are certain things that, over time, become a non-issue when it comes to trendiness. Computers, cd's, hip-hop, the internet were definitely all trends for a while. But these things have become a part of life. They are essential to this modern society that we live in.
Basically this entry died... but it's been sitting as a draft for a week now, and I just wanted to make sure that I got this thought up there.
Oh, and Jeremiah said something genius... People who go out and buy pink clothes now and continue to wear them will start to regret it (just like the eighties is still doing to some poor folks).

So sayeth The Brad...

Pink is the New Black?

2004-06-11T18:23:00.000-04:00

This entry goes out in a response to a sickening new trend in the so-called "fashion world". This trend involves the wearing of pink (not salmon... PINK, because there is apparently a huge difference) by gentlemen. Now, I don't mean to play the whole "boys wear blue girls wear pink" scenario, but let's take a step back and realize the kind of situation that is going on here. We have DUDES wearing PINK. Anyone? Anyone care to comment? Yes? No? Perhaps? I was in the mall today, and I saw three of the most ghetto lookin dudes this side of the Ohio River. They had the long baggy jeans, a couple of fine biznatches, and... oh... what's that? A freakin PINK MOTIFF going through their whole outfits! I mean, it looked like they coordinated with eachother to look extra stupid. But then I took a surveying look around and saw that half the guys out there were wearing pink: pink shorts, pink striped shoes, and those stupid pink polo shirts where you flip the collar up... AAARGH! It's so frustrating, but no one else seems to understand.
Well I, for one, am no fashion afficionado. I've been told, and rightfully so, that I can barely dress myself on a regular basis. But I do know one thing: there is a very, very, very slim percentage of guys that look good in pink. We're talking maybe a half of a percentage point. One in every two hundred teen/college aged dudes look alright in pink. An even smaller percentage look SO good in pink that they should wear it on a regular basis. The rest of you guys out there, I'm sorry. Pink is just not going to look good on you. Most gentelmen don't have the facial structure/features, hair color, genitalia, etc. to wear pink successfully. You just don't. So get over it. The guys that do look good in it are the ones that have been wearing it before it became this summer's trucker hats. Those are the gents that are able to... nay, DESERVE to wear this color. They put in their dues. They wore it before everyone else started saying "Hey, you know what? Jimmy over there has been wearing Salmon... oh wait, no, I think that's pink... for a really long time now. He kinda looks good. HEY EVERYONE! LET'S PINK IT UP!" They stuck through the ridicule and the ribbing and now they are getting their payback by turning out to be the trendiest little billies on the block. So there. Get over it, stop trying to emulate every little fad that comes down the pike. It's pointless, it's unfulfilling, and if you're in college it'll drain your food money. Keeping up with fashion trends is pointless. Wear what you enjoy wearing. Don't go out to buy a new wardrobe every single season because that certain shade of maroon isn't "in" anymore. If you looked good in it before, you'll still look good in it after Labor Day, or whenever the ridiculous cutoff point is. Just let the people who saw these trends coming ten years ago and stockpiled accordingly have their fun. You've been ripping them apart for long enough, let them have a bit of fun. It's the least you can do before you realize that their shoes aren't completely bleach white... then you'll have a field day, won't you? Yes you will... Good puppy. I mean come on, people, isn't our culture superficial enough? Can't we just leave other people's fashion alone? Just quit trying to conform to some social fashion standard and be comfortable with yourself. If you try to be like the crowd, it just reinforces the fact that you have deep-seeded acceptance and self-image issues. Now, me and my novelty tees and "Jesus is my Homeboy" trucker hat (GASP! out of season!) are gonna go find me a pink-wearing posse and see what's up. Gabriel out.

So sayeth The Brad...

Selections of the Past

2004-06-10T19:22:00.000-04:00

I just recently was on an archaeological dig in the depths of my car, and I found my long lost lyrics notebook. [Editor's note: Shaun reminded me that it was actually HE that found it... sorry for the confusion] When I saw "long lost", of course I mean from about a year ago, when I started my songwriting/poetry obsession. And as I "flipped through the pages of notes I've left behind" (that's a quote from on of the songs I wrote for this site, thought it'd be clever) I realized something very true about my past efforts: they kinda suck. I really only like some snippits from some of them. I might try to recraft one or two... or fifty... but for now, I'll take the ones that I don't want to remake and put some snippets in this entry. Enjoy!

from "Did I"
Ev'ry bone and ev'ry sinew,
Each and everything that's in you;
All our faults and human traits
Are nature you just can't escape.
All the flaws that in me grow,
Packed up in your very marrow.
But your heart, instead of red,
Is choked and black instead!

from "The Fall"
Shouldn't have knocked on your door that night.
Pain exposed in the pale moonlight,
Dropped to my knees, and I fell hard;
Cold and wet in your front yard.

from "Trite"
Nothing but words on a page
With punctuation.
Staring at the silence of the black type
With frustration.
Swear its like the others
I've written in the past;
All my deepest feelings
Recycled from the trash!
Shot for the moon; fell in the dirt
WIth a bruise on my heart and blood on my shirt,
And I'm so mediocre that it hurts.

from "What's Wrong?"
What, do you think I'm not good enough?
Did I call too little, or maybe too much?
Phone's not dead, and it's too bad
That you never entertained what we could have had.
If you only knew how much I'm used
To getting rejected and mentally abused.
Stuck in the corner so frequently,
Wondering what could be wrong with me?

from "Do You Remember?"
Even though I knew I'd miss you,
And I'd often dreamed, and wished too.
Somehow knew I'd be remiss to;
That's why I couldn't kiss you.
No one fills the gap like you,
Void that wind just whistles through.
No one else to heal my ache,
A longing I'll just have to take.
Believe me, darling - it was hard
Not to kiss in your front yard.

from "The Song That No One Heard"
And the crowd jumped up
At the very last show,
Clinging to every chord and word.
The band finished up
And let the last note ring...
And played the song that no one heard.

So sayeth The Brad...

Reflections on the Past

2004-06-08T00:48:00.000-04:00

A famed and respected Japanese teacher was on his death bed. His students asked him how he was feeling and gathered around him, as he began to say his final words:
"I don't want to die."
His students looked around at each other in surprise. Sure that their teacher, who was much more enlightened than they were, didn't want those to be his last words on this earth. They were much too sad, and not befitting what they had come to expect from him. Most importantly, it wasn't comforting or edifying to them. One of the students asked him what he was "truly" thinking.
The master thought for a moment, looked into the eyes of his pupils, and said:
"I REALLY don't want to die."

I have been looking over my posts, dating back to the first ones that I made. Now, many things that I have referred to in previous entries refer to what I was feeling, experiencing, or thinking in that moment. The moment could have been a second, a day, week, etc. The point is, they refer to instances/feelings/whatever which can be transient in nature. Not everything that I wrote about is true anymore. Some things still are. And as I look back, I know that I could very easily change some things. There are subjects, people, instances that I expressed real feelings and desires about; but I could change these posts, making it seem like I was never emotionally attached. Playing it cool, keeping myself from seeming vulnerable. But there's no point to that. If I have no other place to be honest with myself, then I'm screwed. I need this to be a place where I can go to see how I have felt at different times in my life. I need to see what was said, what was thought, what was experienced. And to do that, I refuse to change them. They are what they are and they say what they say. That's the whole point of the story at the top. A person must be free to say how he/she truly feels at any given moment. He didn't change how he felt on his deathbed, so I refuse to alter my past recording to fit my present situations. So if I've referred to anyone (which I don't do very often), and our relationship has somehow changed, I'm sorry but I'm going to keep what I've said, exactly how I've said it. I've never written anything to bash people, so if there is an issue I'm sure it will just mean that a person has felt weirded out, or wants to know if I still feel the same way. Those people can come talk to me. That's all I've got. Thanks for listening.

So sayeth The Brad...

A Toast to my Friends

2004-06-06T02:46:00.000-04:00

This weekend has been absolutely amazing! So amazing, in fact, that it's not even pissing me off that I am up at three o'clock with a paper yet to write! I'm just so pumped up! Anyways, the thing that has made this weekend great is NOT the vices, NOT the hilarity, NOT EVEN the women (even that one special one, although she definitely helped!). It has definitely been feeling in a very tangible way the amount of love that all my friends have to give, in the good times and in the bad. That's biblical, you guys; a friend that will stick by you even in the tough spots. So, if you're reading this, and you know this applies, then I offer the following as a toast to you! Grab a drink!

They said we'd grow apart;
Yet I hoped it wasn't true.
And when my hopes would falter,
Your love would bring me through.
But when your love will waver;
Our friendship that could kill.
But that day has never come
And I know it never will.

Pushing through the mire
And the shit gone on too long
I'll thank you all: My friends
Through the bad and through the wrong.
So when they all have left me,
With no shoulder left to cry,
You'll offer up me yours
And you'll wipe tears from my eye.

So sayeth The Brad...

Two Gorgeous Thoughts

2004-06-02T04:13:00.000-04:00

"While everything is manifest, not everything is yet recognizable."

"There are few things in this world
More beautiful to me
Than a moon that is full
When you didn't expect it to be"

So sayeth The Brad...

Simply, "Thanks"

2004-05-29T23:37:00.000-04:00

I know that they don't read this. But I just wanted to say to my mom and dad simply,
"thanks."
I finally had my talk with my parents, so I think that we'll finally be back with what we had before. I love them. And I never stopped. And I never thought for a moment that THEY stopped loving ME. I just wasn't sure how much. And though it wasn't brought up in the way I wanted it to be, I have closure on the issue, and that's the more important thing. They're awesome. If you don't know my parents, you really should. Quentin and Wallace are amazing human beings... I mean look at who they raised (haha). So I suppose I'll try to compose a quick something in their honor, and then my mama's gonna tuck me in for the first time in too long. God, there's nothing better than that.

You loved me without knowing me,
And prayed that I would come,
And while the angel talked with me
You nursed me in your womb.
Then I was born and knew at last
What all you had to give,
Though you had known it all along
Before I yet could live

You guys, I realized that whether you're aware of it or not, this life can never make you fully happy. I'll try my best to not let that knowledge KEEP me from being happy. I promise. Things are finally getting better. Thanks to everyone who's been waiting patiently. Goodnight.

So sayeth The Brad...

Insight #3

2004-05-29T18:53:00.000-04:00

They say that my Archangel counterpart speaks to babies while still in the womb. There he imparts the knowledge that the baby will, in due time, need. Well, you're all in a womb of delusion, and it's about time that I slapped you upside the head with some truth. This is profound insight #3. I have declared it to be so, and so it shall be.

There aren't more important types of pain, just different doses.

I suppose I should start this off by saying "so much for this next entry being happier than my previous ones." But then I would say to myself "Hey, self, it's not like this is a SAD one, so that's a plus." Very true. I'm such a smart guy. Anyway, this insight comes naturally, I suppose. A great deal of literature has been written on the subject of pain: philosophers, theologians, poets, many of these and more use this as a constant topic. I write this insight, though, not because of some overwhelming pain in my own life. Nor do I write it in response to the plight of the oppressed in other parts of the world. Screw them (I jest). However, the RELATIONSHIP of these two seemingly polar opposites is what spawned this stream of consciousness. It's a commonly used phrase in our country that there are always "children starving in China" or "people dying in Africa". Okay, for one, you've pissed me off already. That's marginalizing the problems that these people have when we reduce their lives and situations to mere turn of phrase. Are we so self-involved as a culture that we only think about their plight when we want to have something of value to interject into our own conversations? That's pretty crappy. If you do that, stop it right now. It's not a good idea, and it could be very insulting (when I get my own Chinese child, I'll let you know if it is or not). Okay, now we can move on to focus on what those horrible phrases are usually aimed towards. I don't think I've ever heard them, unless they're being preceded by another person venting on pain and frustration (usually of the daily variety). Now I agree, as everyone else will, that some people MANUFACTURE their pain and therefore have no right to bitch. It's true that when someone is CONSTANTLY making a big deal out of their daily pain, it is probably either a call for attention or a sign that this person believes that the world revolves around them. You can smack those people in the face if you want to. Give them some "real" pain. But when a friend is just telling you that he or she had a crappy day, don't write them off and compare their bad day to those others around the world. Because PAIN is PAIN. There are no two ways about it. It's the same monster, just different sizes. And the reason that pain is pain comes from the fact that sin is sin (if you're not religious, substitute wrongdoing for sin). Pain is in the world as a direct byproduct of sin. It's not that hard. And because of that, pain isn't different, just the sizes it comes in. Me feeling lonely is the same kind of pain as someone whose family was just slaughtered. Now most would say "hey, that other person's problem is much worse than yours." No, because that's like saying that the essence of his pain is different from mine. They have the SAME core, essence, origin, what-have-you. However, the man with no family obviously has a great deal more being pumped into his life than I do at this time. Don't assume that my problem disappears in the light of the other. It doesn't. When you assume that, then you offer no solution and only allow my problem to stagnate and draw even more pain. And as for the Africa comparison, I think that many times people just incorrectly infer that because of the huge problem of, say, AIDS that those people are consumed by that and nothing else. In fact, they are human beings, and they have lives in which they love, get pissed, piss off others. When you don't take that into consideration, you use false compassion as a disguise to downgrade them as people. Even a man dying from AIDS can still be hurt by being called a name. A starving woman can still feel the sting when her equally starving lover leaves her. I very much think that pain works in some small way like smell. Our pain sniffer can only take so much of an extreme amount until it overloads and the particular problem simply ceases to bother. Like when you first go into a severely, perpetually stinky room, and then eventually get used to it (olfactory overload, my smelly friends). And when a whole continent is infected with a debilitating, terminal illness - when it is BAKED into the culture - I think it works the same way. We just can't see that because that's not a part of our culture, at least now. Perhaps someday it will be. And if it is, we'll get through it. Because pain can be overcome, and I mean ANY amount of pain. You just have to want it bad enough. So I sincerely hope that everyone can just stop EVALUATING everyone else's pain and simply start trying to EASE it. Lesson we learned today: Gabriel doesn't lie (but hopefully you knew that one already). Second lesson: pain doesn't discriminate, so we shouldn't discriminate the pain of others. Now go take it easy... Oh, and bake something. That sounds like a productive idea.

Honesty

2004-05-29T03:16:00.000-04:00

Bunny?
Yes, Nny?
I'm not happy...
So my last post actually got comments, which lends me to believe that people actually read this for some reason. And, since that's the case, and I love, appreciate and trust the people that are my friends (and I assume that's who these comments are coming from) I want to be very serious with this entry. No stupid one-liners, or cleverness. Just sheer honesty. Hopefully this will be a good practice of the advice I gave in Insight #2. And, by the way, this was all brought on by something a friend said in his comment to that last post: "That's what you need your blog for. To vent." Well, I'm taking a shot, so here goes.
Sadly my whole apathy movement didn't even last a week. It's sad, really, cause it's a good idea in theory. But I have to concede to Shaun, my best of bests; you called it buddy. You called it completely. I couldn't keep it up any longer. I'm too much of a feeling creature: all of us Barnes men are. I might try the apathy thing again, later, but I don't know that it'll work any better. The thing that made me lose it today was sitting alone, and for the first time I really let myself be aware of how lonely I'm actually feeling. And I have to tell you, it's pretty alone. I constantly feel more and more distant from my family. I don't feel like they even want to make the effort to stay in contact. People are growing up and moving on with other friends, and I'm left with calling them every so often to get a quick hi. And I'm out of school, so I can't even feel like a normal college kid anymore. I've always been good at meeting new people, making new friends, and I still love doing that. I cherish the friendships that I have more than anything in the world. But they're not helping with the loneliness. And I don't know why. And I'm sorry to say that, but they're just not helping any more. I looked inside myself today and became aware of how truly grieved my spirit is. Something's missing. To quote a graphic novel I like very much, "I wish someone would just shut me off and fix me". I don't know how. I'm so lucky, and so blessed, and I don't feel like I've been forsaken by God or loved ones. But I think it's the fact that I no longer feel part of this world. I tire of it. Actually, I'm a little comforted in the fact that I think that this is how I should feel. My place in this world is temporary, ephemeral, and I was destined for an eternity in God's presence. So of course I feel out of place. I'm not at home. The closest I come to home is when I'm surrounded by people and just soaking up their love (which I really see as divine love kinda reflected off of them). That having been said, I wonder if I need to be by myself more often. Perhaps I need to start taking solace in myself. I had a good chat with myself in the mirror tonight, and though it was a bit weird at first, it was a bit of a relief. There's only so much internal monologue you can have. I needed an external dialogue. But regardless, I think I'm a cool cat, and I can enjoy being by myself, so perhaps that's what I need to do more often. Hole myself up in my Tower, and then discover that I was the Tower all along. Wow. Thanks anyone for listening. I feel a whole lot better now. I think I'm going to go to sleep. And don't worry too much about me, I think that this epiphany was just enough to get me to start writing happier stuff. Although, P.S., I really liked writing my flower song today. It's not the most upbeat sounding thing, but I put alot of soul into that little observation that I made in the courtyard, and in the end it felt good to slap that much of myself down on the page... or the keyboard... or whatever. Anyway, check out that song if you wanna see what I mean. Read my whole blog again for all I care. I need to go to bed. Thanks for listening, you three people who read this thing. I love you AS WELL AS all my other friends and family who are not so web-literate... Good night.

Get This Off My Chest

2004-05-28T20:12:00.000-04:00

I am so sick of good girls being taken by guys that don't deserve them. I'm sick of these guys that warp these girls into actually BELIEVING that they're someone they want to be with. I want to cry when these dicks break up with them, but the girls can't move on because they still feel like those jerks are everything they ever wanted. If anyone actually reads this, and you are one of these girls, let me give you a list of pre-approved guys:

Me
Kratzer
Jason M.
Josh S.
Evan "Raging Bull"
Prince
Nate

I hope this at least gets people thinking. Now I'm done, because this has been far too many entries for one week, and this particular one has gone on longer than it should have.

My Own Flowery Song

2004-05-28T15:25:00.000-04:00

It's cold, becoming warmer
And bright but getting bland
A million things I can observe:
This tiny rose that's in my hand.
It's beautiful and brilliant,
But broken at the stem
And that's the one small evil
That I just can't make right again.

The petals twirling round it
The face that hides within
And to behold it's sweet visage
I broke it on a whim
So now its light is fading
And Chloris cannot save
For what I so appreciate,
I dug an early grave.

I tried to save you, little rose,
But you were far from gone
And while I wasn't ready
Your time with me was done
I cried and cried, and yet my tears
Weren't water that you need
When you were beauty on the bush
I pulled you like a weed

With eyes akin to Buddha I'll observe it's every side
With fingers like DaVinci I will paint it into life
With words as good as Dryden's, I can make it into prose
But without the hands of God, I've still killed you, little rose.

I'm sorry for my failings.
I'm sorry I'm not you.
And sorry I couldn't love you till I'd
Broken you in two.

So sayeth The Brad...

Insight #2

2004-05-28T01:10:00.000-04:00

They say that my Archangel counterpart speaks to babies while still in the womb. There he imparts the knowledge that the baby will, in due time, need. Well, you're all in a womb of delusion, and it's about time that I slapped you upside the head with some truth. This is profound insight #2. I have declared it to be so, and so it shall be.

EVERYBODY gets sad, EVERYBODY gets angry... deal with it.

We know that everybody lies. We know that everybody breathes air. We even know that Everybody Poops (which is an awesome book by the way). But somewhere along the line, we forgot that everybody has anger; everyone succumbs to sadness. And not only does everyone HAVE these two, but we in fact need them to survive. I write this insight, mostly in response to a critique of my blogger, by a friend who will remain nameless. Not that I really need to do that, though, since I suspect he MIGHT be the only person who reads this thing. Anywho, this person, hereby called X, was looking at my blogger over my shoulder one night, and remarked "man, anyone who read some of these entries would think that you get pretty angry or were really depressed." Oh gee, really? I never thought that at all! The unfortunate - but absolutely true - fact of life is that these two emotions exists for a reason. Anger is an outlet. Sadness is an outlet. It's simple physics (or something like that): a limited vessel, or space, can only stand the introduction of so much of a given material. After the time that it reaches its
storage limit, it's gotta start to release some of the material, or it will break/explode. It's like when your email account has enough messages in it and that little bar is in the red: you need to get rid of some emails, or your account will explode. Ok, maybe not explode, but they'll take that sucker away from you (and how will little Billy ever survive without stupidinsidejoke@yahoo.com?) . It doesn't matter how you do it; you can delete them, send them somewhere, save them somewhere. But the fact of the matter is that they can't be kept WHERE THEY ARE anymore. In the case of a person, any kind of emotion get stored up over a matter of time. Only two are really hard for some people to release: sadness and anger. Happiness is an easy one; people spend happiness like no one's business. But sadness? Anger? A bit harder to deal with. First offender: SADNESS. The problem with this one is that it has become socially unacceptable among certain types of people to show sadness. It is viewed as a sign of weakness or, more realistically, a sign that in fact the given person is NOT the god of the universe, in total control of every aspect of their life. Why else do you think that very macho guys (or militant lesbians) have a really hard time crying? I don't understand what the problem is. I cry when I need to, and I'm better for it. To all those people that can't or, even worse, WON'T let it out, I think it's all a matter of time. They're just deluding themselves temporarily, which will end up causing them a whole NEW world of pain when the floodgates finally burst. So if you're out there, and you fall into that category, do yourself a favor: watch someone's grandparent die from a painful terminal illness, or squash a kitten, or do something so horrible that the consequences leave you with nothing left to do but cry like a little prepubescent girl (unless you already ARE one of those, in which case just cry like yourself). NEXT! Anger. The big problem with this one is that anger IS expressed already in very poor ways, and those are the ones that get all the press. Everytime some schizo guy whacks his three daughters, or rapes a donkey, or bombs a bus station... the media JUMPS ALL OVER IT. And so everyone has this bad taste in their mouths about anger. They look at these horrible oil spots on society's driveways, and they say to themselves "Crikey, I don't ever wanna be as angry as those blokes!" (because apparently everyone's Australian). Anger is viewed as something taboo, and in the cases of, uh, THE UNABOMBER it's not too good. But in small doses it is necessary. Otherwise it builds up and builds up, and then you become one of those schizo dudes who develope some craziness and beat a schoolgirl to death with a sack full of dead puppies. So next time you see those guys on the news, don't say "crikey": instead let it serve as a reminder to let off some steam once in a while. In fact, when you see murderers and rapists, fly off the handle and the next thing that pisses you off, even a little. Hell, fly competely off the handle at your TV screen; when we get good and mad at the evil people in this world, it's called a RIGHTEOUS anger. So just let loose, buddies and buddettes. Trust me, it'll help in the long run. So there's my insight. But hey, to address my friend who made the stupid comment: just because I'm chipper and happy and upbeat and psychotic most of the time, that doesn't mean that I forfeit MY RIGHT to be down or angry sometime. I'm still human. Just because I wasn't happy for a LITTLE bit, don't make a big deal out of it. If you do, it shows an underlying insecurity that, in some small way, you are basing your happiness in how chipper OTHER people are. Oh, and in closing, I still suggest you take a read of those "Mune Lite" lyrics... if you banish feelings, then maybe you won't HAVE to get sad or angry. Of course you won't be happy either, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It'd just give you more to miss when you're feeling sad and lonely.

Apathy: I'm not just the spokesman, I'm a practicing member.

Insight #1

2004-05-25T02:55:00.000-04:00

They say that my Archangel counterpart speaks to babies while still in the womb. There he imparts the knowledge that the baby will, in due time, need. Well, you're all in a womb of delusion, and it's about time that I slapped you upside the head with some truth. This is profound insight #1. I have declared it to be so, and so it shall be.

No one knows what they want.

There, I said it. Absolutely no one. You think you know what you want? You're wrong. Thanks, but you'll have to try the game some other time because you just lost it you sorry sap. That is, I believe, society's NUMBER ONE delusion. Everyone just ASSUMES that at SOME level they know what they want. Gabriel is here to gently... ah, screw that... VEHEMENTLY inform all of you that, in fact, we are humans and it is at our very nature, our core, our essence, our chewy caramel center to NOT KNOW WHAT WE WANT! Good lord, we hardly know what we NEED half the time. It's taxing enough on some people to have to remember: Okay, breathe in, breathe out, eat food, sleep often, left foot, right foot... We are flawed. That's not really a bad thing either. It's just something that we have to suck up and accept. We're wired that way. I'll give you examples. Man and woman, sitting in paradise. They get to be naked, all day long. They get to hang out with a bunch of animals that we only see in zoos nowadays. They got to have free reign of the place. They got to converse with the Almighty, one on one. What do they do? They screw it all up because they WANT to be better. It never even occurred to them that they had it PERFECTLY already. No, they let some little legless jackass convince them that he knew how to make it all better. Personally, I don't take advice from animals that don't have recognizable butts. Not a religious person? I have a few more examples simmering on the back burner... Allow me to pour you a cup: Girls that say they want nice, sweet guys (Oh, HOW they want those guys!) but without fail those girls end up with jerks that can't wipe their butts or show any kind of affection. Guys think that what they want is to have a bunch of chicks clamoring for their attention, and then they wonder why people don't like them being such "playas". My response to this comes in four easy, fun syllables: REE-DICK-YOU-LUSS!!! Now, you might say to yourself (or you might say directly into the computer screen, if you're a psycho) "I don't fit one of those broad generalizations. Even though I'm obviously supposed to infer that these examples are meant to get me thinking about how I further the point that is being made, I need it to be spelled out more clearly. The reason for this is because I, indeed, am an idiot." Aww, you're being too hard on yourself. Well, have you ever really desired something (money, possessions, companionship from someone, lack of companionship, etc.) and then gotten it, only to realize that you're worse off than you were before? Of course you have. That's because EVERYONE has. Therein lies the point that I am successfully making (yes, I have confidence in that, at least). And you may think now - or even think after reading this genius slice of blogger gold - that you've got your desires in check; that you are the exception to the rule. Sadly, you've either messed it up before and you're in denial, or you WILL mess it up BIG TIME in the future. Kinda bleak, I realize, but I love you too much to sugar coat. I wish that someone would have told me all of this. There, my point is proven, and I'm getting tired of writing this. It's like, almost three in the morning. Lesson we learned today: Gabriel doesn't lie. Other lesson we learned today: No one knows what they want. It's a truth. It's part of life. Get over it. I suggest you listen to the lyrics of "Mune Lite" and just strip yourself of feelings altogether, then you won't HAVE to want ANYTHING.

Apathy: I'm not just the spokesman, I'm a practicing member.

Mune Lite

2004-05-24T18:19:00.000-04:00

I don't want my feelings,
Send them back from where they came
Desires lit like fire pits
That burn with raging flame.
Lust and anger, all consuming
Mind and heart and soul.
With creeping sins they're seeping in
And ravaging me whole.

I want to look at you
And be freed from what is hurting
I want to see you
Without feeling things at all
Can I somehow lose the trace of
What I feel when we embrace
And be as cold as the moon
That lights your face?

I'm still observing spectres,
Ghosts that I know all by name
And I can see, they're circling round me
Breeding Greed and wretched shame.
I don't even want their foils,
Like sweet angelic Bliss;
Joy and Laughter, sometime after,
Leave me with only more to miss...

I want to look around
And be freed from what is hurting
I want to see the world
Without feeling things at all
Can I somehow lose the trace of
All this emotional waste
And be as cold as the moon
That lights this place?

Oh save me not
From evil men
For they cause not
My sin.
Deliver me
From feeling things
That rage beneath
My skin.

So sayeth The Brad...

This Is It

2004-05-16T04:31:00.000-04:00

So up until this point my little tagline for this site has been sort of a lie. It specifically mentions journalling, which I haven't done... UNTIL NOW. So get ready, because not only should this rock out, but it'll be more than a little bitter.

So I'm sitting here at The George at 4:30 am on a Sunday morning. Work is two hours away, I haven't slept, and I've been thinking all night. Well, to be fair, I've been eating-hanging out-desperately websurfing... and THEN thinking all night. And my thoughts have been centered on girls. The song says "I love girls, girls, girls, girls. Girls I do adore" but IS THAT REALLY TRUE? I'm starting to think no. Wait... I think that's pronounced "HELLS NO". I am starting to believe that these females, these objects of my interest as of late have turned in objects of scorn. (Friends of mine that are girls, avert thine eyes) GIRLS ARE REALLY STARTING TO PISS ME OFF ROYALLY! I mean, what is wrong with these things? Somebody send them back to the manufacturer, I think we broke them. Is this the sleep deprivation talking? NO! It's not. This is twenty years of observing these things finally being analyzed, fathomed, and written down for a smattering of people to see. Now when I say fathomed, I don't mean I understand them. Oh no. That'd be too easy. I only grasp all too well the harsh reality of their vast majority. I can see where these monks and priests that used to chill here got their notion from. They may have had some lust issues to deal with and no outlet for them but MAN! if they only knew how much drama and stupid CRAP they were saving themselves from, they'd have counted their blessings tenfold. That's what I'd like to do, swear off women and just use all my pent-up frustration to fuel something truly worthwhile. Like furthering God's kingdom. Or helping the marginalized. Or sausage (I've always wanted to make my own sausage... that just sounds yummy). Of course the real kicker is that that's not an option, at least not now. Celibacy can't be desired, you have to be called to it. And damned if I'm not ABSOLUTELY SURE that I'm not called to be celibate. So now I'm stuck in a world where I have to deal with and eventually BE with one of these thorns in my spiritual, social, physical, musical, AGRICULTURAL (I ran out of adjectives) side! Grr... I really hate that. They've got me so frustrated that I can't even form a cohesive, intelligent sentence. Or maybe that's the fact that now its quarter till five. Dang. This keeps me up too often. I'm fine with the NOT HAVING a girl thing. It's just all this stupid drama and prissy bullcrap that they start up that I can't deal with. Luckily, there are WOMEN out there. I gots no beef with women... it's GIRLS that are the kickers. Sadly, women aren't showing up on my radar (haven't seen hide nor hair of an unattached one in a looooong time). But that's what the summer's for. Well, I hope that I'll just have such a great summer that I don't have to trouble myself with all of this. But that might be a pipe dream. And this has become entirely too long. So I'm ending it. Thanks for letting me vent. Otherwise, this thought-stream would have just ended up as lyrics to a song that would have been REALLY BAD in hindsight. Saved by the bell, I suppose. I'll try not to write this vehemently again.

So sayeth The Brad...

Tower of the Silence

2004-05-08T03:24:00.000-04:00

I'll climb through the rafters
Past storage and boxes
Of memories and dreams I once had;
Now forgotten.
I'll break through the cobwebs
And climb up the rungs
Till I'm up in the tower where
I go to be alone

When the pain just gets so bad
You're thinking you'll choke,
Just reach up through the clouds,
Past that thin veil of smoke
Cause you've got a Tower
Just like we all do.
Just scale it and realize
The Tower is You.

My Tower, my refuge
The strength in my solitude
The pain I can't seem to lose
Can't reach me up here...
Reaching up so high
Straight up to the heavens
Loving the absence
From all that was wrong before...

So sayeth The Brad...

Just Thought I'd Say...

2004-03-30T21:37:00.000-05:00

If you're my friend... then I thank you
If you're my family... I love you
If you're both... then I'm a lucky guy

So sayeth The Brad...

Days of Yore

2004-03-30T21:17:00.002-05:00

Listening to songs that make you jump and leave you wanting to sing
one of your own
Imagining yourself with a throng of fans yelling things you never
knew they'd shout
I remember the days of sitting in the backseat and yelling at the
top of my lungs
And now we're in the frontseat days with the windows down and the
stereo louder to mask what's coming out

There were days when radio waves were ruled by mighty kings, and
queens
And thousands strong would sing along, their songs and praises
honoring
Why did the twilight end, where are we now, and what is this all
about?
Was it a brazen calf we burned or a gift horse looked in the
mouth?

Before the twilight we rested in rennaissance and basked in
masters' glow
Concertos rose and symphonies fell and finales were
never the rage
Prior to the sparks of modernity the halls were filled with
passion, talent and renown
And a man could be born and live and die within the
notes upon a page

The birth was bubbling with primordial potential and simmered and
overflowed to the world
Man could not contain it and the beats began while melodies
traveled the wind
Tribal tunes beat and streched on drums with chanting that raised
to the heavens
A feeling, a song, a desire, a tune, the music that came
directly from within

I sing a song of angel muses and minstrels on scitar
As Mozart raises symphonies and Plant supplies guitar
Oh why did days of yore retire and burn out long ago?
A longing for that hallowed place, that I might someday go

So sayeth The Brad...

The Hurting

2004-03-29T20:40:00.000-05:00

You said goodbye, farewell, so long,
I didn't think it true,
So long ago, I was so blind
And now I'm missing you...
Much more than touch, or sight, or smell
Was what we'd always shared
You'll always be my favorite...
But now the pain's too much to bear

Never thought it could hurt like this
Phantom thoughts of always missing
And remembering all the times we had
I'll never tell another joke
Or sing a verse, or hear a note,
Without you playing in my head

(This is about as far as I dare go with this song... I don't know if it'll ever be finished because I don't know that I have the lyrical capacity to transcribe into words or even thoughts how much it hurts to have you favorite band break up. We can all agree that no amount of side projects or new bands can ever fill the spot in your heart like the one band that really crafted how you enjoy music. I'll always love my Five Iron Frenzy... And to them, I raise a salute.)

So sayeth The Brad...

Encounter

2004-03-26T00:29:00.000-05:00

Craving more we try and try
Seeking falsehoods just to justify
Arrogance of modern man
Thinking we can live our lives
(Devoid of cause, devoid of plan)

Without a hope, without a prayer
We seek to find what isn't there
Belief and virtue just a trend
And all forsaken in the end
Creature, Creator,
Evolution Debator,
Divine Enactor,
We need Encounter

Flirting with the dangerous
Reason is enough for us
Casting pale, we cannot see
Open the Venetian minds
(Sun illuminating)

So sayeth The Brad...

Sub-Textual

2004-03-17T15:26:00.000-05:00

Behind the verbs and paragraphs
That people take as true,
When kids can say the darndest things
As adults can also do,
When I looked back over the pages
Of dialogue I’ve left behind
Just what all has gone unsaid?
That’s what I’m out to find…

Children listening to parents
Day until the night
No matter what they’re saying,
Mom and Dad must know what’s right
And though they might not say it,
Both parties hope it’s true
The children mean “I love you”
And the parents, “I love you too”

Teachers with their students,
Lover with another,
Reverend and his congregation,
Sister with her brother,
Conversations very different,
With a same, unspoken vein,
They all don’t share enough
Of their affection and their pain.

The people passing by
Conversating softly
And angry couples shouting,
Voices getting lofty…
But what was left unsaid
Was a whisper and a feeling
“I don’t want to die alone,
Speak into me and give my life some meaning”

You know me...
I am The Lonliest Monk.

Directionless

2004-03-17T10:35:00.000-05:00

I feel detached from everything
A high like none I've ever had
Stars streak and burn across my face
A universe in your head
Sense dulled, love blinded,
I feel so enlightened
And then I reach to feel my heart beat, and it's not there
I don’t seem to be myself, cause I feel you everywhere.

I swim in endless circles
In pools that never cease
Lifted up and spun around
Carried by the steady beats
Staying near, straying far,
Becoming what and who you are
I have no form, no eyes, but I see:
It was your touch, your kiss that enveloped me

My heart won't beat without you
No matter how it tries to
I lost all sense of who I was
When I got lost inside you

I'm mixed up and turned around
Don't know if I'll come back
I make the shiver up your spine
I am the warmth caressing your neck
Without you I’m nothing
But in you I'm everything
In the back of my mind, I wonder: do you
Feel like you’re a part of me while I’m wrapped up in you?

You know me...
I am The Lonliest Monk.

Hot Pockets (The Final Movement)

2004-03-17T10:24:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I don't know what's going on
(It doesn’t matter, I realized)
Recognition comes and then its gone
Millions feel the need to falsify
(Dirtied from the caked-on lies)
Claiming things that just don’t qualify

Why did you walk away?
I heard the things you didn't mean to say
Though all the world’s a joke
Seeing you were fake hurt me the most

Did you think you'd really pull it off?
(Had me going for a while)
Hope you ache from all the trust you lost
Just like all the rest and now I see
(Saw past your Cheshire smile)
Get your filthy lies and take them off me

There's no way that we can still be friends
(Took a knife and ripped my heart open)
Won't let you hurt me like this again
I woke up after all of these years
(Face wet from my sleepy tears)
I looked up and you just weren't there

You know me...
I am The Lonliest Monk.

Fatigue

2004-03-08T00:55:00.000-05:00

Digging trenches in my skin
Below the bone and deep within
Wearing away my very soul
Apathy takes its tole
Fingers that will bruise and leave me cold
Answers are so hard to find
Confession of this empy mind
All I know is nothing
When once I knew enough things
To tell myself that I was in control

I'm tired of not knowing when to try
I'm sick of letting hopes and memories die
I can't go on when nothing makes sense anymore
Nonsensical evermore, no nevermore

My spirits bloated, overloaded
Nothing sweet or candy-coated
Begging, pleading,
Hoping, needing,
Hungering for things that never come
How many empty phonecalls,
Or blanked out writing on the walls,
Does it take to realize
That which isn't a surprise
You can still get hurt while feeling numb.

I'm tired of not knowing when to try
I'm sick of letting hopes and memories die
I can't go on when nothing makes sense anymore
Nonsensical evermore, no nevermore

You know me...
I am The Lonliest Monk.

CC Song

2004-02-20T00:22:00.000-05:00

I saw a person look at me
Contempt was in his eye
A mean disdain it seemed
All because I didn't try
To fit the mold of every other
Carbon-copy guy.
A threat because I'm not like all the
Guys I see
Is that really what it takes to be
Happy?

I look at magazines filled with
Other guys that have it
I think my problems could be solved
By a trendy denim jacket
And a pair of brand-name pants
To make me look attractive.
And then I'd be like All the other
Guys I see
And then maybe I'd finally be
Happy

So all the people that I've known
Have told me how it goes
What is on the outside worn
Is all most people ever know
The only thing to do
Is give up, or stand up for You.

You know me...
I am The Lonliest Monk.

Drinking Song (2 Extra Verses)

2004-02-18T16:17:00.000-05:00

I went out to a bar, oh yes
I went out to a pub.
And told myself that I would find
An gorgeous girl to love.
Instead I met a man,
A man of much renown:
His name was Samuel Adams
And I gladly drank him down!

Me and all me fellows
We quickly formed a band
And packed the beer and whiskey
And toured across the land
But we get a new guitarist
In every state, that's what I said!
'Cause we give each one a keg and then
We always finds 'em dead!

You know me...
I am The Lonliest Monk.

Don't Forget (Part Two)

2004-02-18T15:54:00.000-05:00

I'm all alone, in a crowd, in a bar
In my chair I rest my mind
Haunted by spectres that leap from the fire
Of things I left behind
Does the memory hold me together
Or make me fall apart?
A selfless love, a selfish b***
And the crime that's eating up my heart.

I can't forget it.
She said she was sorry,
But I can't forgive the fact that she did it.
I don't believe it.
I'll shove that lie right back in her face and
Make her f---ing eat it...

Can I sit back? Should I relax?
Will I move past this attack?
Can I forget? Should I regret?
How depressed will one person possibly get?
Storms and rain begin to creep
The water rises dark and deep
And all I do is sit and weep
And drown in the hole she's filling for me!

I can't forget it.
She said she was sorry,
But I can't forgive the fact that she did it.
I don't believe it.
I'll shove that lie right back in her face and
Make her f---ing eat it...

You know me...
I am The Lonliest Monk.

An Anti-Sonnet for St. Valentine's Day

2004-02-14T19:33:00.000-05:00

Of all the days within the year
This is the one I like the least
St. Valentine's, oh can't you hear
The way I groan and gnash my teeth.

This day I just cannot escape
It hurts me through and through
The one time I don't have to fake
That I am happy just like you.

Is this too much hate for one day?
Hell no, I wish it'd go away.

You know me...
I am The Lonliest Monk.

Lyric For One Not Named

2004-02-04T01:21:00.000-05:00

No one will ever love you as madly, as wonderfully, as
brazenly, and as beautifully
As I do…
No one will ever hold you as tenderly, as knowingly, as
carefully, and as contently
As I will…
No one will ever know your grace, your fidelity, your
poise, and your power
Like I know…
No one will ever appreciate your eyes, your curves, your
stature, and your smile
Like I can…

You know me...
I am The Lonliest Monk.

My Toast to the Summer, circa June 23rd 2003

2004-02-01T14:48:00.000-05:00

"Here's to lasting friendships, both old and new.
Here's to the company of good cigars, fine 'spirits' and even better friends.
Here's to the nights we've shared and the ones still to come.
And here's to the good times starting and never mother f---in' stopping!"

You know me...
I am The Lonliest Monk.

Don't Forget (Part One)

2004-02-01T01:54:00.000-05:00

"And I looked at her with empty eyes
While she looked back at him
I shouted at her silently
And cast a frowning grin...
But when she turned, I took her hand
Though the pain made me moan;
All because I wasn't strong enough
To push her away and face it alone.

I can't forget it.
She said she was sorry,
But I can't forgive the fact that she did it.
I don't believe it.
I'll shove that lie right back in her face and
Make her f---ing eat it...

(Don't lose, don't ever back down
Pick up your head, get your feet off the ground.
Don't forget, you cannot forgive
The lies she told and things she did)"

You know me...
I am The Lonliest Monk.

Drinking Song

2004-01-31T02:44:00.001-05:00

I went out to a movie
A flick to satisfy
My taste for blood and comedy
And my girly urge to cry
But when I came home to my chums
Oh much to my delight,
They lifted high the glass
And we drank till the morning light.

Chug Chug Chug
Drink Drink Drink
Blitz away your mind till you can hardly think
Bong Bong Bong
Gulp Gulp Gulp
Life's a pain upon your arse and ale's the only help!

This song can go on longer
And longer if you please
But I must go to bed and calm
My wobbly wobbly knees.
So if your night is in a bind
And you could use a cure
Go find a pint, and drink it down
While I go hit the floor!

Chug Chug Chug
Drink Drink Drink
Blitz away your mind till you can hardly think
Bong Bong Bong
Gulp Gulp Gulp
Life's a pain upon your arse and ale's the only help!

You know me...
I am The Lonliest Monk.

Guy Trio Toast, circa December 22nd 2003

2004-01-29T00:51:00.000-05:00

"Here's to the family that will never split up,
doesn't mean it when they fight,
and won't move somewhere else when it gets a little tough.
Here's to brothers that will never make you cry like a little girl for a half hour.
And here's to partners for life that you may not make love to,
but that give you a love that knows no equal."
Ain't no love like Trio Love.

You know me...
I am The Lonliest Monk.

Morning Invocation

2004-01-28T11:48:00.000-05:00

"Help me.
This day will surely consume my sanity.
The seconds, minutes and hours are a burden I can't fathom.
Too much is expected of me;
Too little is in my power to perform.
But day by day you watch me,
Week by week you protect.
Every month brings your provision
and every year your grace.
For what is a second, when
A thousand years is but a day to you?
Nothing is improbable,
No task impossible,
Not a single goal unreachable
When I tell time by the Son."

You know me...
I am The Lonliest Monk.