This is one of those posts that will start out as rambling and then eventually manifest itself into something, at least that would be my fervent hope. I'm sitting up at a quarter past three on a Sunday morning, with some tasty acid reflux burning the back of my throat and absolutely no desire to go to sleep. Funny the places and situations you end up in on the weekends, eh? Yeah, I didn't think it was that funny either.
I've felt for a very long time now that I've had something direly important to say, but I have just been trying to think of what it is. I still am not completely sure, and I think that's why I haven't really written alot these past few months. It just feels like there is something very significant that I'm.... just... barely... missing. Tip of the tongue, right on the edge, almost falling over, just about had it, and then I lose it again. It keeps happening. Like some little elf or gremlin that stays on my tail, breathing on my ankles, but everytime I go to look down or turn around to see it, it just as quickly scurries around me. I whirl my head around and around, but I'm still not faster than it. So I can't prove that there's something there with tangible evidence, but the feeling just won't leave me.
I took an entire survey of everything I've written on this blog since I started it. And, I have to say, I'm pretty pleased with how it has turned out thusfar. It has pretty much accomplished what I've been wanting it to. Its a great place to vent frustrations, to express myself creatively, to pour my heart out on the web-page, if you will. A good way of telling that something has hit you at that deep emotional core, as writing in this blog has become to me, is that it effects you when your relationship with that thing is even slightly off in its functioning. That is how I know that this blog has become an extension of how outlet emotions and ideas; I now have a clog in my mental workings, it is effecting how often I am able to post, and it is bothering the crap out of me.
So, let's see... Of the last few months, what haven't I really gotten off of my chest? Well, the first thing would have to be how hard its been going through all of this responsibility stuff, ever since my mom got laid up YET again. Lots of times its not fair being the big brother, oldest son. This time I promised myself and my family that they weren't going to see me waver, but I don't know that I've really even given myself any private time to cope with all of this. Or has it just become so pervertedly commonplace that I just lay back and accept it and therefore I am, in some way, fine with the whole situation? Damn, I sure hope not. I don't want to ever really have parental illness be something that I view as commonplace or ordinary. Granted, I'm not going to let it get me down to the point of where I am unable to function, but I am also not willing to accept that it is just a fact of my personal life. That's bull-ish, as the edited rap songs would say.
Secondly, I've had kind of a hard time with quitting smoking. That vice has always been in the tricky stage where I've never been fully physically dependent on it. There has been no prevailing physical addiction to those devices. However, I have leeched onto the concept and the act of smoking mentally, I feel. It, somewhere along the line, became a conducive material for lucidity and clear thought. It also became a killer way to pass the time. Now, that I have been trying to give it up, my mind keeps fighting it, perhaps even insomuch as it refuses to let me say or think what I really need to because I don't have cigarettes as a mental faucet anymore. Screw them, I don't really need them. It'll just take a little while longer to convince myself that that really is true.
I've also hit this weird spot in my life. It seems to have become an anual spring thing: I have this crisis of identity and functionality. I feel a cessation of my contribution into the "real world" and thereby withdraw/pull out of it, or at least attempt to. I did this last year and left UC. I'm doing it again this year, and mucking up my classes. Its not a good feeling, and I'm allowing myself to be victimized by circumstances well within my span of ctrl-alt-delete. Ooh, that was kind of clever. A life lesson and a computer geek pun. Haha... I cheered myself up. But seriously, I need to buckle down and just fix this crap. Grown-ups don't do that, and I'm twenty-one years old, dammit. And, besides that, I'm a MATURE twenty-one year old. We don't act like this, at least not in theory!
Finally, I had one of those opposite gender problems yet again, go figure. I don't know how this will be solved, but, since I don't want to risk insulting any involved parties, I can leave it at this: I'm not worthless, I'm not a user, those are the only two points about myself that I or anyone else need remember. All explanations of those bits of information are superfluous, and unnecessary.
Well, for what it's worth, that made me feel a whole lot better. Now I'm going to go to bed, wake up, put in one of my last Sundays at my FCA job, and then get my life back in order. Gabriel out.
So sayeth The Brad...
