Different Choices
Last week, to the day, I found myself (along with a few other intelligent young men) watching the newest film by Clint Eastwood, Mystic River. First of all, it was a great example of a movie that can polarize people. Out of everyone that I've talked to, people that have seen this movie fall into one of two groups: those that LOVED it, and those that LOATHED it. I think, perhaps, the reason that people could be so divided over whether or not this was a good movie comes from the very real passions and emotions that the film deals with. If you are a person overrun with such themes as the movie delves into, then you might find it to be too much. Perhaps you might even find it to be not interesting at all. The fellows and I, however, really connected with/were affected by the movie, and thereby enjoyed it immensely.
Towards the end of the movie, a postulate is posed by one of the main characters. He and another man are contemplating a recent tragedy that had occurred, and its direct correlation to another very real tragedy that had occurred during their childhood. He voiced the thought that, if only the tragedy had happened to one of them (instead of their other childhood friend), this new tragedy wouldn't have happened. That supposition set up, in my mind, a train of thought which wrapped around certain defining events/crossroads in my life. Each landmark memory was of a time that I, through either my action or inaction, contributed drastically to the life/circumstance that I am currently living in. It's taken me about a week to process this, and after some lengthy though on the issue I'm finally ready to express my thoughts and whatnot. So I'll tackle both of the memories respectively within this entry:
In winter through spring of 2002 I was gearing up to go to college. So, right there, you've got a time that spells milestone for a lot of people. Choosing a college can and does drastically affect the future of your education, your career, and (many times) your spiritually growth (or spiritual decline). I was going into this time severely doubting myself and my ability to function in the real world. The World - as "adults" live it - always seems daunting to you until you actually start functioning within it, and I was already beginning to feel the cold sweat in anticipation of this raw, unadultered reality. Burdened by this, the pressure of four AP classes, and about a zillion other things, I began to examine what I was doing and why. One thing that became clear to me was that theater was a priority I set high above many others. Plus, I could think hard about a number of different careers, but none of them fit my idealistic/romantic stance of wanting to find a future career that I LOVED. I loved nothing but theater. And it was with this in mind that I applied to several different fine arts programs within major universities. This is where it branches off into two distinct decisions that affected two different parts of my life today.
The first was my career decision. I had looked at it and saw that not only did I love it, but I had success in it. I had won contests, national recognition, desired roles, etc. Then I applied to CCM, and was accepted into one of the most prestigious fine arts learning institutions in the country. I was feeling pretty good about myself, and was assured that this success meant that I had made the correct decision. But look at me now. I've been out of college for six months. I really only stayed in the drama program for two quarters. So what happened? Looking back, I wasn't really listening to where my heart or my spirit were telling me to go. I was listening to selfish ambition and external circumstance, and receiving that as proof that I needed to act accordingly. See, truth be told, there was another career that I could have considered. It was the ministry, something that as a child I had considered to be my chosen profession. But my zeal died, I became soft and complacent, and my beliefs became less important. I decided that I didn't need to respond to that calling, that I could take my time with my own plan and then do God's plan sometime after that. He could wait... I couldn't. End of story, so I thought. I had even received a prophetic word from a dear friend, basically affirming God's aspirations for me to be in the ministry. But I turned a deaf ear, and calmly explained to my friend that I would get around to all that in my own due time. Looking back I cringe at how I responded, and I can remember the saddened/dissappointed face that was on my friend that night, as she watched and listened to my disregard. So now I am awaiting to return to school and finally start the path that I was meant to follow all along. I couldn't hold onto a plan that only served myself before it started to crumble. And I can't help wondering how different my life would be now if I had acted in the correct manner. I'd be two years into training for a ministry degree... now I'm going in as a third-year Frosh. I would be THAT much closer to the goal I now seek if I could have just listened better. But, on the flip side, I wouldn't have made some of the friends I've made, or had some of the experiences I've had.
The other decision I had to make was more about location than it was about education. I could have chosen to go to schools as far as California, or as close as fifteen minutes away. So I did heavy introspection on what was or wasn't keeping me here. On one hand, I was consumed with the desire to leave, which many others my age can certainly empathize with. When you go to college, there is this expectation that it will bring you immense amounts of freedom. Since this isn't completely true, I think most hang on to this delusion because (if you leave home) college will at LEAST mean freedom from mom and dad's rules of the house. You'll get other rules, for sure, but none like the ones that parents enforce. This call for freedom turns most college-aspiring youngsters into passionate bohemians, ready to escape the intellectual/social/sexual/whatever "tyranny" of the parents and embark into a new world where they can freely express whatever they need to. I could feel the pull of this influence on myself, also. But I didn't know if that was enough to engender a definite NEED to stay. Then, on the other hand, there were the friends that I would have to say goodbye to if I left. All of my best friends were staying in the general area. Staying around Cincinnati would keep me central, a perfect place to keep in touch with all of them. But then again, I knew that the friendships that were really worth it would withstand any distance thrown in their way. So I also didn't know if THAT was even enough to definitely keep me from going. Racked with emotional stress from both sides - seemingly equal in strength - tugging on me, I was having a hard time with the issue. Then everything began to happen with my mom. She woke up one morning in early January and found that lump. All of a sudden she was going in for surgery and I was having to be supportive and stay strong for the siblings. Everything happened so fast. That's when I knew I couldn't leave. Even if she was never troubled by it again, I knew that my going away to college would come before her treatment was over. I couldn't justify that, couldn't take it, couldn't bear it. So I stayed. I stayed in the city that I had already given eighteen years of my life to. And looking back on that, I have to say that its one of the decisions I'm most proud of. I love the life I lead, but more importantly I've been able to be there for my family. I don't expect this situation with my mother to ever fully resolved. I don't know whether I'll get to have her be at my wedding, don't know if my siblings will have a mother for as long as I've had. But what I DO know is that I get to be there for all of them. If something happens, I'll be ready and able to provide. Looking at my mother yesterday, talking about all of this to her while she was sitting in a hospital bed in their living room and being treated for her THIRD bout with this stupid cancer, I knew I had made the right choice. And I knew it because I was there, I was squeezing her hand, I was crying with her, I was holding her, I was talking to her. We could tell eachother how we felt without the impersonality of email or the phone. It was the real human contact with her that I never want to give up for as long as either of us lives. THAT'S how I knew I was right. And that almost makes the my other, failed decision alright. I have more time to work on that. I might not get much more time with my mom.
This is one of those subjects where I can't offer concrete evidence to MAKE you understand or follow the advice that I'm giving. All I can say to you, friend and stranger alike, is that above all else you need to recognize that every decision you make becomes critical at some point. If it didn't matter, then a decision wouldn't be needed. If you don't have that mindset, you set yourself up for uninformed or even careless decisions. Sometimes you'll even get caught in INdecision. You have to be ready to stand up and make the right choice, no matter what that means. I didn't in one instance, and I have two years of my short earthly span that I can't get back. Then again, following this advice is a DECISION that you have to make for yourself. So go ahead. Make your move.
So sayeth The Brad...
Towards the end of the movie, a postulate is posed by one of the main characters. He and another man are contemplating a recent tragedy that had occurred, and its direct correlation to another very real tragedy that had occurred during their childhood. He voiced the thought that, if only the tragedy had happened to one of them (instead of their other childhood friend), this new tragedy wouldn't have happened. That supposition set up, in my mind, a train of thought which wrapped around certain defining events/crossroads in my life. Each landmark memory was of a time that I, through either my action or inaction, contributed drastically to the life/circumstance that I am currently living in. It's taken me about a week to process this, and after some lengthy though on the issue I'm finally ready to express my thoughts and whatnot. So I'll tackle both of the memories respectively within this entry:
In winter through spring of 2002 I was gearing up to go to college. So, right there, you've got a time that spells milestone for a lot of people. Choosing a college can and does drastically affect the future of your education, your career, and (many times) your spiritually growth (or spiritual decline). I was going into this time severely doubting myself and my ability to function in the real world. The World - as "adults" live it - always seems daunting to you until you actually start functioning within it, and I was already beginning to feel the cold sweat in anticipation of this raw, unadultered reality. Burdened by this, the pressure of four AP classes, and about a zillion other things, I began to examine what I was doing and why. One thing that became clear to me was that theater was a priority I set high above many others. Plus, I could think hard about a number of different careers, but none of them fit my idealistic/romantic stance of wanting to find a future career that I LOVED. I loved nothing but theater. And it was with this in mind that I applied to several different fine arts programs within major universities. This is where it branches off into two distinct decisions that affected two different parts of my life today.
The first was my career decision. I had looked at it and saw that not only did I love it, but I had success in it. I had won contests, national recognition, desired roles, etc. Then I applied to CCM, and was accepted into one of the most prestigious fine arts learning institutions in the country. I was feeling pretty good about myself, and was assured that this success meant that I had made the correct decision. But look at me now. I've been out of college for six months. I really only stayed in the drama program for two quarters. So what happened? Looking back, I wasn't really listening to where my heart or my spirit were telling me to go. I was listening to selfish ambition and external circumstance, and receiving that as proof that I needed to act accordingly. See, truth be told, there was another career that I could have considered. It was the ministry, something that as a child I had considered to be my chosen profession. But my zeal died, I became soft and complacent, and my beliefs became less important. I decided that I didn't need to respond to that calling, that I could take my time with my own plan and then do God's plan sometime after that. He could wait... I couldn't. End of story, so I thought. I had even received a prophetic word from a dear friend, basically affirming God's aspirations for me to be in the ministry. But I turned a deaf ear, and calmly explained to my friend that I would get around to all that in my own due time. Looking back I cringe at how I responded, and I can remember the saddened/dissappointed face that was on my friend that night, as she watched and listened to my disregard. So now I am awaiting to return to school and finally start the path that I was meant to follow all along. I couldn't hold onto a plan that only served myself before it started to crumble. And I can't help wondering how different my life would be now if I had acted in the correct manner. I'd be two years into training for a ministry degree... now I'm going in as a third-year Frosh. I would be THAT much closer to the goal I now seek if I could have just listened better. But, on the flip side, I wouldn't have made some of the friends I've made, or had some of the experiences I've had.
The other decision I had to make was more about location than it was about education. I could have chosen to go to schools as far as California, or as close as fifteen minutes away. So I did heavy introspection on what was or wasn't keeping me here. On one hand, I was consumed with the desire to leave, which many others my age can certainly empathize with. When you go to college, there is this expectation that it will bring you immense amounts of freedom. Since this isn't completely true, I think most hang on to this delusion because (if you leave home) college will at LEAST mean freedom from mom and dad's rules of the house. You'll get other rules, for sure, but none like the ones that parents enforce. This call for freedom turns most college-aspiring youngsters into passionate bohemians, ready to escape the intellectual/social/sexual/whatever "tyranny" of the parents and embark into a new world where they can freely express whatever they need to. I could feel the pull of this influence on myself, also. But I didn't know if that was enough to engender a definite NEED to stay. Then, on the other hand, there were the friends that I would have to say goodbye to if I left. All of my best friends were staying in the general area. Staying around Cincinnati would keep me central, a perfect place to keep in touch with all of them. But then again, I knew that the friendships that were really worth it would withstand any distance thrown in their way. So I also didn't know if THAT was even enough to definitely keep me from going. Racked with emotional stress from both sides - seemingly equal in strength - tugging on me, I was having a hard time with the issue. Then everything began to happen with my mom. She woke up one morning in early January and found that lump. All of a sudden she was going in for surgery and I was having to be supportive and stay strong for the siblings. Everything happened so fast. That's when I knew I couldn't leave. Even if she was never troubled by it again, I knew that my going away to college would come before her treatment was over. I couldn't justify that, couldn't take it, couldn't bear it. So I stayed. I stayed in the city that I had already given eighteen years of my life to. And looking back on that, I have to say that its one of the decisions I'm most proud of. I love the life I lead, but more importantly I've been able to be there for my family. I don't expect this situation with my mother to ever fully resolved. I don't know whether I'll get to have her be at my wedding, don't know if my siblings will have a mother for as long as I've had. But what I DO know is that I get to be there for all of them. If something happens, I'll be ready and able to provide. Looking at my mother yesterday, talking about all of this to her while she was sitting in a hospital bed in their living room and being treated for her THIRD bout with this stupid cancer, I knew I had made the right choice. And I knew it because I was there, I was squeezing her hand, I was crying with her, I was holding her, I was talking to her. We could tell eachother how we felt without the impersonality of email or the phone. It was the real human contact with her that I never want to give up for as long as either of us lives. THAT'S how I knew I was right. And that almost makes the my other, failed decision alright. I have more time to work on that. I might not get much more time with my mom.
This is one of those subjects where I can't offer concrete evidence to MAKE you understand or follow the advice that I'm giving. All I can say to you, friend and stranger alike, is that above all else you need to recognize that every decision you make becomes critical at some point. If it didn't matter, then a decision wouldn't be needed. If you don't have that mindset, you set yourself up for uninformed or even careless decisions. Sometimes you'll even get caught in INdecision. You have to be ready to stand up and make the right choice, no matter what that means. I didn't in one instance, and I have two years of my short earthly span that I can't get back. Then again, following this advice is a DECISION that you have to make for yourself. So go ahead. Make your move.
So sayeth The Brad...
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home