This Path that Lies Before Me

This is a song all about looking for your soulmate ~ the one person you're destined to spend your life with. You won't always have the easiest time along the way, but every one of us has to pursue this goal during their life. We, as humans, desparately crave someone else to complete and satisfy us:

I traveled on for days,
Heading for the setting sun
By days the rays would cook my shoulders
Before their time was done,
And every night I laid my head
In lands I hadn't known,
While crying wearily;
But for the starry sky, alone.

When all the others passed me, I only sighed
To see those less deserving fly
Kept killing tiny bits inside

There's nothing else to bring this to a close
The road goes on, but how long only God knows
I beg for endings yet to come
It's been so long since tasting home
But no one hears my pleas except
The vultures and the crows.
And so I keep on going, growing,
Weeping, hurting, crawling; slowly,
Surely I am treading down that road,
The road to my Beloved.

At a juncture down the way,
Not on the maps I'd read,
Two well paved roads converged at mine;
A dusty path was straight ahead.
And though it was less tame,
No end yet in my sight,
I knew no good would come
If I digressed to left or right.

While all the others left me by and by,
I drowned the hurt and wiped my eye
And pressed on to the western sky.

There's nothing else to bring this to a close
The road goes on, but how long only God knows
I beg for endings yet to come
It's been so long since tasting home
But no one hears my pleas except
The vultures and the crows.
And so I keep on going, growing,
Weeping, hurting, crawling; slowly,
Surely I am treading down that road,
The road to my Beloved.

Through the rain and mire
Over bushes and barbed wire
Under forest canopy and bridge
Hoping that I'd find someone
To share the journey I'd begun
And finally make a just man out of me.
That's the end I wanted desperately...

When finally the path was spent
I saw beneath a tree
The person that had spent long months
Just waiting there for me.
It wasn't as I'd thought;
No loving woman met my eye.
Just a man with broken hands
And spearmark in His side.
I'd started out the voyage
As an infant crying tears.
But while looking for a partner
I had aged a lifetime's years.
But now the search was over
And with joy I merely sighed;
While curled up like a baby,
In my Savior's arms I died.

There's nothing else to bring this to a close
The road goes on, but how long only God knows
You beg for endings yet to come
It's been so long since tasting home
But no one hears those pleas except
The vultures and the crows
And so you keep on going, growing
Weeping, hurting, crawling; slowly,
Surely you are treading down that road,
The road to your Beloved.

I chose to end the song this way because I'm very sick of my lack of a significant other becoming everyone's concern all of a sudden. The point is, at the end of all things, the only one I know is going to be there is Jesus. Not a wife, not children, not grandchildren. Only Christ is certain, and it for Him that I tread this life. If I NEVER find someone, I don't care because I am already complete due to my relationship with He who is always faithful.

So sayeth The Brad...

from "A Supposed Oasis"

This entry is actually an exerpt from the book that I'm writing called "A Supposed Oasis". It's all about complacency in Christianity and how to beat it. Half of it is fictional parable, the other half explanitory/discussionary essays. This is from the story component. It is the message of God to the people of a small town in the middle of a vast desert. He has provided for them in the form of a large fountain in the midst of the town, but they have taken His provision for granted and not lived their lives to the fullest for Him. This is the inscription on the side of the tower, commissioning the people to someday require more of themselves:

From the spout of the Fountain

Flow the crystalline waters that nourish your body.

From the pages of the Book

Flow the living waters that nourish your soul.

Both wellsprings have cost me;

Such an enormous price I paid to redeem you, Beloved.

I wept so long and so fiercely

Over the sacrifice it took to draw you near.

But while I alone cared for the field,

You may reap the harvest as I see fit.

Go, Beloved, and drink deep

From the waters of tears that have fallen.

So as long as I provide for you,

Listen to my roar, but also listen to my whispers.

I have plans for your prosperity,

But you must listen to my Voice to discern them.

Above all, know that I love you,

My precious Oasis in the desert's midst;

Yet also know that I have not delivered you

To live in this wasteland:

I have destined you to cross it.

Full chapters of the book will get posted in the appropriate blogspot as they are finished. The link is amongst the many on the right side of this blog.

So sayeth The Brad...

I Spat on His Sacrifice

Long ago I lived in darkness,
Reveling in ebony
Until the day I understood,
He gave His life to bring me through
Still I seem to search for shadow,
Hiding from the light it seems,
Why does the sun seem too intense
And night's embrace seem soft and cool?

For my sins his limbs were broken,
When they stripped him, beat him, choked him,
And his blood was dripping off the tree...
All this I know, yet I falter,
Like I'm saying, "Holy Martyr,
Your sacrifice's not good enough for me."

"Live your life for me," he's crying
But I lean my head away and
Turn a deaf ear toward his weeping
Scoffing at thoughts of him dying.
"For your love alone I died!"
My Jesus sobs, and now I falter;
Is my life worth living like
I'm spitting on His sacrifice?

For my sins His limbs were broken,
When they stripped him, beat Him, choked Him,
And His blood was dripping off the tree...
All this I know, yet I falter,
Like I'm saying, "Holy Martyr,
Your sacrifice's not good enough for me."

Standing in Gathsemanae,
Thinking thoughts of you and me,
Knowing that at times we'd let Him down.
Still a willing paschal lamb
He died that we might not be damned
And trusted that we'd always come around.

For my sins His limbs were broken,
When they stripped Him, beat Him, choked Him,
And His blood was dripping off the tree...
All this I know, so I'll stand
And pledge my Savior, Son of Man,
A life worthy of Your sacrifice I'll gladly lead.

So sayeth The Brad...

Mere Messenger

Two I used to speed my way
Two more to aide my breath and still
A final pair to
Bear my flesh
From pains that always tried to stay

Those six wings were broken long ago

Oh Father, did you hear them snap

And break away

And splinter,

Showered on the ground below?

I was once your Malachi,
Your weeping one to prophesy,
With tears to cry that never
Found their rest.
Once I had a purpose here,
A path to tread, a burden dear,
But now a mere worn messenger
With nothing left...

There were days I flew through sunsets
Sometimes it was through a starlit sky
And children laughed
And men would
Beg me just to be their guest.
Now I crawl on hands and knees, less
Than a man, more in the dark and
No one leaves lights
On for one
Who's made himself a wingless son.

I was once your Malachi,
Your weeping one to prophesy,
With tears to cry that never
Found their rest.
Once I had a purpose here,
A path to tread, a burden dear,
But now a mere worn messenger
With nothing left...

In a heartbeat,
White clouds were cold and black.
With no warning
Hail rained upon my back.
Yet it was not your failing
When I crashed upon the moor
But simply I grew weary
Of flying anymore...

"Reclaim this poor repentant fool"
I scream, as if the night can hear me;
And a Voice shoots
Through the sable
"That was all you had to do"
Soaring now with seraphim,
Through fair or stormy weather, and
When flying gets
Too tiring
I glide upon His airy breath of wind

Yet again your Malachi,
Your weeping one to prophesy,
Tears of delight mixed in
With tears of salt.
Again I have a purpose here,
A path to tread, a burden dear,
And through the ups and downs
So thankful for it all...

So sayeth The Brad...

To One Beloved

I think that I need to preface this with a little something. This has been written with absolutely NO ONE in mind. If you're reading this, and you think this is you, then you sure suck at showing it because I have no idea. This is the byproduct of a long drive home and a lot of years of hope that are beginning to wear me out. I'm not an unreasonable man, so I've crafted this message to the person I'm destined to marry. Hopefully she'll know all of what I'm about to say, and prepare for when we might meet.

Dear Beloved,

I'm sorry that I don't know what color brings out your eyes, or what sound you like to fall asleep to.
I'm sorry that I don't know if you pull your brown hair back from your porcelain face, or you let wisps of blonde frame a face of bronze.
I'm sorry that I don't know why you cry sometimes, and I'm sorry that I don't know what sounds you like to fall asleep to.

I'm sorry that I don't know you.

I hope you know that I'm waiting for you, and I am counting the days until I meet you.
I hope you know that I strive to be a better man because of you, and demand of myself what I know is best for you.
I hope you know that your approval is of immeasurable worth to me, and your trust is all I desire.

I hope you know that I love you already.

I want to believe that you lie awake some nights and think about me.
I want to believe that you are the perfect complement to my strengths, and the perfect support for my weaknesses.
I want to believe that you work to better yourself, so that our relationship will grow and flourish.

I want to believe it, Beloved... Yet sometimes it is so difficult.

Your voice has been growing fainter in my thoughts, when once it called me to a future of happinness.
I am having trouble seeing you in the dark, you no longer beckon me to the end of the tunnel in my mind.
I have stumbled and I have fallen while I looked for you in the haze.
It gets so hard, and yet I will not give up hope and belief.

But one day my hope will fail, and my belief will let me go...

On that day will you be there to find me?
On that day will you be able to catch me?
On that day... will you say that you love me, you always have, and you always will.

I hope so Beloved, but if not, then that will be Goodbye.

With a Love That Grows Weary,
Bradley

Creation of Canada

On the sixth day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said:
"Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?" "Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them."

So that was a little tale that I found hidden away in someone else's blog. I liked it so much, because of the offbeat humor and the Gabriel reference, that I've been meaning to put it up for some time now. I think that we can all learn a few good lessons from it, though. Every gold nugget of humor contains a bit of truth, or it wouldn't be as funny. Number one lesson has got to be the fact that whenever God gives you plentiful bounty out of grace, there will always be factors in place to balance the situation. No one has it completely on easy street. It may seem that some do; having success with women or money or whatever. However, I guarantee that there are extra circumstances in place that that person has to deal with that you or I know nothing about. God doesn't just heap blessings on the undeserving, that's true. But when he DOES give them to the deserving, he doesn't want the blessings themselves to become stumbling blocks.
The second lesson to learn is more about responsibility. When God places people, countries, things in positions of leadership, he also places responsibility in the hands of those so bestowed. The fact that we can be looked upon as "bad neighbors" means that, though much has been given to this country (and therefore much is expected) we have not lived up to it. That doesn't mean in terms of economic or foreign policies, etc. I'm talking in a strict spiritual sense. We, like so many other countries and cultures, are going the way of excess. We live in mediocrity and worship gods named False Progression and Politics. No nation like this was meant to stand. We have become haughty and squander our position. And this isn't America bashing, this is an admonition to the vast majority of countries out there. None of us are living up to what we should/could be. As one of my favorite songs says, "We were meant to live for so much more, have we lost ourselves... We want more than the wars of our fathers... We were meant to live for so much more..." We really were, ALL of us destined for better/greater/grander things. It's the brass ring that we think we're reaching so far and so hard to get, but in fact we keep falling short because we're not trying as hard as we'd like to think. Live up to expectations, everyone. It seems to be what most of my blogs are starting to say, nowadays. But, then again, we live in shortened times. Not much time is left to do the things we need to, so lets all shape up today so we can shape tomorrow correctly. Awesome. I knew you'd agree.

So sayeth The Brad...

Songs About Simple Things

It's not an embrace and just short of a kiss
But I waited so long just to feel you like this
The thought of skin upon skin's
Got me slipping away...
The hand that I'm holding is porcelain smooth
A palm that I promise to never abuse
It says the words that we're too
Overwhelmed to say...

And I'll sing you a song about something so simple,
So taken for granted, which makes it unique
Imagine, we overlook all that's not sexual
And forget how it feels just to dance cheek to cheek...

You called me up crying, I said to proceed
You had to know I'd give whatever you need
But all I could do was just listen
And wish I was there...
The cries were cathartic, so you let them rain,
Aghast I was soaking up all of your pain
And I caught in the mirror
Myself crying all of your tears...

And I'll sing you a song about something so simple,
So taken for granted, which makes it unique
Imagine, we overlook all that's not sexual
And forget how it feels just to dance cheek to cheek...

Laying in grass,
Making you proud,
Combing your hair,
Leaving a crowd,
Embracing your faults,
And shouting out loud
That I love you.

And I'll sing you a song about something so simple,
So taken for granted - the feeling it brings
A hand and a hold, A call and a listen,
The passion that lies behind everyday things
And I'll sing you a song about something so simple,
So taken for granted, that makes it unique
Imagine, we overlook all that's not sexual
And forget how it feels just to dance cheek to cheek...

So sayeth The Brad...

A Nightmare's Messiah

A river down the hallway.
Tragedy and manufactured fears
Are slowly bringing me to tears.
A candle's burning in the doorway.
I kneel down and cannot rise
I try to stand but falter
And I'm drowning in the water
As it covers up my eyes

Soon what's left in sight
Is my hand above the water,
Reaching for the light.

And you always save me,
Jump right in to claim me,
Redeem me from my dreams
And things unseen.
You are my hope for shattered ends,
Clinging to your battered friend,
Then throwing me to safety
Once again.

A pathway walked alone
Upon a field that's struck by moon
And as I peer into the gloom
I turn and fall like stone.
The grass begins to cover
And the earth is feeding on me
There are creatures all around me
But all I do is shudder.

Soon what's left in view,
Is my hand above the chaos
Reaching for the moon.

And you always save me,
Jump right in to claim me,
Redeem me from my dreams
And things unseen.
You are my hope for shattered ends,
Clinging to your battered friend,
Then throwing me to safety
Once again.

In return, all I have
Out of every last breath;
Giving thanks for the most,
Giving love for the rest.

So sayeth The Brad...

Different Choices

Last week, to the day, I found myself (along with a few other intelligent young men) watching the newest film by Clint Eastwood, Mystic River. First of all, it was a great example of a movie that can polarize people. Out of everyone that I've talked to, people that have seen this movie fall into one of two groups: those that LOVED it, and those that LOATHED it. I think, perhaps, the reason that people could be so divided over whether or not this was a good movie comes from the very real passions and emotions that the film deals with. If you are a person overrun with such themes as the movie delves into, then you might find it to be too much. Perhaps you might even find it to be not interesting at all. The fellows and I, however, really connected with/were affected by the movie, and thereby enjoyed it immensely.
Towards the end of the movie, a postulate is posed by one of the main characters. He and another man are contemplating a recent tragedy that had occurred, and its direct correlation to another very real tragedy that had occurred during their childhood. He voiced the thought that, if only the tragedy had happened to one of them (instead of their other childhood friend), this new tragedy wouldn't have happened. That supposition set up, in my mind, a train of thought which wrapped around certain defining events/crossroads in my life. Each landmark memory was of a time that I, through either my action or inaction, contributed drastically to the life/circumstance that I am currently living in. It's taken me about a week to process this, and after some lengthy though on the issue I'm finally ready to express my thoughts and whatnot. So I'll tackle both of the memories respectively within this entry:

In winter through spring of 2002 I was gearing up to go to college. So, right there, you've got a time that spells milestone for a lot of people. Choosing a college can and does drastically affect the future of your education, your career, and (many times) your spiritually growth (or spiritual decline). I was going into this time severely doubting myself and my ability to function in the real world. The World - as "adults" live it - always seems daunting to you until you actually start functioning within it, and I was already beginning to feel the cold sweat in anticipation of this raw, unadultered reality. Burdened by this, the pressure of four AP classes, and about a zillion other things, I began to examine what I was doing and why. One thing that became clear to me was that theater was a priority I set high above many others. Plus, I could think hard about a number of different careers, but none of them fit my idealistic/romantic stance of wanting to find a future career that I LOVED. I loved nothing but theater. And it was with this in mind that I applied to several different fine arts programs within major universities. This is where it branches off into two distinct decisions that affected two different parts of my life today.

The first was my career decision. I had looked at it and saw that not only did I love it, but I had success in it. I had won contests, national recognition, desired roles, etc. Then I applied to CCM, and was accepted into one of the most prestigious fine arts learning institutions in the country. I was feeling pretty good about myself, and was assured that this success meant that I had made the correct decision. But look at me now. I've been out of college for six months. I really only stayed in the drama program for two quarters. So what happened? Looking back, I wasn't really listening to where my heart or my spirit were telling me to go. I was listening to selfish ambition and external circumstance, and receiving that as proof that I needed to act accordingly. See, truth be told, there was another career that I could have considered. It was the ministry, something that as a child I had considered to be my chosen profession. But my zeal died, I became soft and complacent, and my beliefs became less important. I decided that I didn't need to respond to that calling, that I could take my time with my own plan and then do God's plan sometime after that. He could wait... I couldn't. End of story, so I thought. I had even received a prophetic word from a dear friend, basically affirming God's aspirations for me to be in the ministry. But I turned a deaf ear, and calmly explained to my friend that I would get around to all that in my own due time. Looking back I cringe at how I responded, and I can remember the saddened/dissappointed face that was on my friend that night, as she watched and listened to my disregard. So now I am awaiting to return to school and finally start the path that I was meant to follow all along. I couldn't hold onto a plan that only served myself before it started to crumble. And I can't help wondering how different my life would be now if I had acted in the correct manner. I'd be two years into training for a ministry degree... now I'm going in as a third-year Frosh. I would be THAT much closer to the goal I now seek if I could have just listened better. But, on the flip side, I wouldn't have made some of the friends I've made, or had some of the experiences I've had.

The other decision I had to make was more about location than it was about education. I could have chosen to go to schools as far as California, or as close as fifteen minutes away. So I did heavy introspection on what was or wasn't keeping me here. On one hand, I was consumed with the desire to leave, which many others my age can certainly empathize with. When you go to college, there is this expectation that it will bring you immense amounts of freedom. Since this isn't completely true, I think most hang on to this delusion because (if you leave home) college will at LEAST mean freedom from mom and dad's rules of the house. You'll get other rules, for sure, but none like the ones that parents enforce. This call for freedom turns most college-aspiring youngsters into passionate bohemians, ready to escape the intellectual/social/sexual/whatever "tyranny" of the parents and embark into a new world where they can freely express whatever they need to. I could feel the pull of this influence on myself, also. But I didn't know if that was enough to engender a definite NEED to stay. Then, on the other hand, there were the friends that I would have to say goodbye to if I left. All of my best friends were staying in the general area. Staying around Cincinnati would keep me central, a perfect place to keep in touch with all of them. But then again, I knew that the friendships that were really worth it would withstand any distance thrown in their way. So I also didn't know if THAT was even enough to definitely keep me from going. Racked with emotional stress from both sides - seemingly equal in strength - tugging on me, I was having a hard time with the issue. Then everything began to happen with my mom. She woke up one morning in early January and found that lump. All of a sudden she was going in for surgery and I was having to be supportive and stay strong for the siblings. Everything happened so fast. That's when I knew I couldn't leave. Even if she was never troubled by it again, I knew that my going away to college would come before her treatment was over. I couldn't justify that, couldn't take it, couldn't bear it. So I stayed. I stayed in the city that I had already given eighteen years of my life to. And looking back on that, I have to say that its one of the decisions I'm most proud of. I love the life I lead, but more importantly I've been able to be there for my family. I don't expect this situation with my mother to ever fully resolved. I don't know whether I'll get to have her be at my wedding, don't know if my siblings will have a mother for as long as I've had. But what I DO know is that I get to be there for all of them. If something happens, I'll be ready and able to provide. Looking at my mother yesterday, talking about all of this to her while she was sitting in a hospital bed in their living room and being treated for her THIRD bout with this stupid cancer, I knew I had made the right choice. And I knew it because I was there, I was squeezing her hand, I was crying with her, I was holding her, I was talking to her. We could tell eachother how we felt without the impersonality of email or the phone. It was the real human contact with her that I never want to give up for as long as either of us lives. THAT'S how I knew I was right. And that almost makes the my other, failed decision alright. I have more time to work on that. I might not get much more time with my mom.

This is one of those subjects where I can't offer concrete evidence to MAKE you understand or follow the advice that I'm giving. All I can say to you, friend and stranger alike, is that above all else you need to recognize that every decision you make becomes critical at some point. If it didn't matter, then a decision wouldn't be needed. If you don't have that mindset, you set yourself up for uninformed or even careless decisions. Sometimes you'll even get caught in INdecision. You have to be ready to stand up and make the right choice, no matter what that means. I didn't in one instance, and I have two years of my short earthly span that I can't get back. Then again, following this advice is a DECISION that you have to make for yourself. So go ahead. Make your move.

So sayeth The Brad...