Reflections on the Past
A famed and respected Japanese teacher was on his death bed. His students asked him how he was feeling and gathered around him, as he began to say his final words:
"I don't want to die."
His students looked around at each other in surprise. Sure that their teacher, who was much more enlightened than they were, didn't want those to be his last words on this earth. They were much too sad, and not befitting what they had come to expect from him. Most importantly, it wasn't comforting or edifying to them. One of the students asked him what he was "truly" thinking.
The master thought for a moment, looked into the eyes of his pupils, and said:
"I REALLY don't want to die."
I have been looking over my posts, dating back to the first ones that I made. Now, many things that I have referred to in previous entries refer to what I was feeling, experiencing, or thinking in that moment. The moment could have been a second, a day, week, etc. The point is, they refer to instances/feelings/whatever which can be transient in nature. Not everything that I wrote about is true anymore. Some things still are. And as I look back, I know that I could very easily change some things. There are subjects, people, instances that I expressed real feelings and desires about; but I could change these posts, making it seem like I was never emotionally attached. Playing it cool, keeping myself from seeming vulnerable. But there's no point to that. If I have no other place to be honest with myself, then I'm screwed. I need this to be a place where I can go to see how I have felt at different times in my life. I need to see what was said, what was thought, what was experienced. And to do that, I refuse to change them. They are what they are and they say what they say. That's the whole point of the story at the top. A person must be free to say how he/she truly feels at any given moment. He didn't change how he felt on his deathbed, so I refuse to alter my past recording to fit my present situations. So if I've referred to anyone (which I don't do very often), and our relationship has somehow changed, I'm sorry but I'm going to keep what I've said, exactly how I've said it. I've never written anything to bash people, so if there is an issue I'm sure it will just mean that a person has felt weirded out, or wants to know if I still feel the same way. Those people can come talk to me. That's all I've got. Thanks for listening.
So sayeth The Brad...
"I don't want to die."
His students looked around at each other in surprise. Sure that their teacher, who was much more enlightened than they were, didn't want those to be his last words on this earth. They were much too sad, and not befitting what they had come to expect from him. Most importantly, it wasn't comforting or edifying to them. One of the students asked him what he was "truly" thinking.
The master thought for a moment, looked into the eyes of his pupils, and said:
"I REALLY don't want to die."
I have been looking over my posts, dating back to the first ones that I made. Now, many things that I have referred to in previous entries refer to what I was feeling, experiencing, or thinking in that moment. The moment could have been a second, a day, week, etc. The point is, they refer to instances/feelings/whatever which can be transient in nature. Not everything that I wrote about is true anymore. Some things still are. And as I look back, I know that I could very easily change some things. There are subjects, people, instances that I expressed real feelings and desires about; but I could change these posts, making it seem like I was never emotionally attached. Playing it cool, keeping myself from seeming vulnerable. But there's no point to that. If I have no other place to be honest with myself, then I'm screwed. I need this to be a place where I can go to see how I have felt at different times in my life. I need to see what was said, what was thought, what was experienced. And to do that, I refuse to change them. They are what they are and they say what they say. That's the whole point of the story at the top. A person must be free to say how he/she truly feels at any given moment. He didn't change how he felt on his deathbed, so I refuse to alter my past recording to fit my present situations. So if I've referred to anyone (which I don't do very often), and our relationship has somehow changed, I'm sorry but I'm going to keep what I've said, exactly how I've said it. I've never written anything to bash people, so if there is an issue I'm sure it will just mean that a person has felt weirded out, or wants to know if I still feel the same way. Those people can come talk to me. That's all I've got. Thanks for listening.
So sayeth The Brad...
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