Gabriel's Guide to Bad Kissers

Welcome one and all to the Gabriel School of Kissing Education. Today you'll be getting a primer course in identifying when you have, indeed, had a bad kiss. You were engaged by a person who just plain SUCKED at kissing (and not in any kind of good sense either).
Now, everyone must understand that when a person is a bad kisser, that means they fall into one of the following categories/descriptions:

Teeth Gnashers - These poor unfortunate souls have the annoying and sometimes dentally detrimental habit of clinking, clacking and otherwise scraping their teeth into yours. This leads to the eroding of enamel, the destruction of your smile, the ruining of the mood, and that annoying teeth-on-teeth feeling. They can be especially bad if, say, they have braces. This can lead to the dreaded skin-grafting scenario, that NO ONE wants to get into. Cause then it gets biblical ("and there was wailing and gnashing of teeth...") This category also includes the Inappropriate Biters.
Succubi - These used to be lewd female demons that would coerce men into having naughty demonic sex with them (no joke, check your Bibles/Talmuds/Quarans/Demon books). Now I have made this the category for those who seem to think that passion equals an inappropriately extreme amount of tongue/tongue-action. A Succubus can be either a woman OR a man. These are those foul creatures that enter your mouth and go to work like they were excavating something. Full-on tongue attacks with hurricane gale force. It's a scary thing to be attacked by a Succubus: I was confronted a year ago and I still have yet to recover. This can also mean that perhaps the force of the tongue was not too great, but the amount was. These are the gag-reflux-inducing Succubi, a very tricky breed indeed.
Salivators - Ok, not much explanation is needed here. These are just people who don't get that kissing does not need nor warrant vast amounts of saliva left anywhere other than the inside of the mouth. No one wants to have to towel off after being with their kissing partner. So just stop it.
The Lost - These poor souls... stumbling through the darkness. Actually, these kissers are the ones that, even if it wasn't dark, probably couldn't find your head. They bump foreheads, push noses, and just get in the way of what the two of you are trying to accomplish. This is just plain disorientation, finding its way into the kissing scene. Its a sad thing, really... to be one's own worst enemy when it comes to smooching. And this disoriented state doesn't merely reside in the head... this happens when the hands, feet, any body part is just useless and obstructive. Now, granted, everyone has difficulties sometimes, but The Lost are the ones who refuse to acknowledge it or correct it. So sad.

Is there hope for these poor unfortunates? Of course there is. But as their partners, we need to be willing to offer help, be understanding and not criticize. If someone gives you a really bad kiss, and its someone you care about... then care enough to help THEM help YOU. It's that simple.

So sayeth The Brad...