Honesty
Bunny?
Yes, Nny?
I'm not happy...
So my last post actually got comments, which lends me to believe that people actually read this for some reason. And, since that's the case, and I love, appreciate and trust the people that are my friends (and I assume that's who these comments are coming from) I want to be very serious with this entry. No stupid one-liners, or cleverness. Just sheer honesty. Hopefully this will be a good practice of the advice I gave in Insight #2. And, by the way, this was all brought on by something a friend said in his comment to that last post: "That's what you need your blog for. To vent." Well, I'm taking a shot, so here goes.
Sadly my whole apathy movement didn't even last a week. It's sad, really, cause it's a good idea in theory. But I have to concede to Shaun, my best of bests; you called it buddy. You called it completely. I couldn't keep it up any longer. I'm too much of a feeling creature: all of us Barnes men are. I might try the apathy thing again, later, but I don't know that it'll work any better. The thing that made me lose it today was sitting alone, and for the first time I really let myself be aware of how lonely I'm actually feeling. And I have to tell you, it's pretty alone. I constantly feel more and more distant from my family. I don't feel like they even want to make the effort to stay in contact. People are growing up and moving on with other friends, and I'm left with calling them every so often to get a quick hi. And I'm out of school, so I can't even feel like a normal college kid anymore. I've always been good at meeting new people, making new friends, and I still love doing that. I cherish the friendships that I have more than anything in the world. But they're not helping with the loneliness. And I don't know why. And I'm sorry to say that, but they're just not helping any more. I looked inside myself today and became aware of how truly grieved my spirit is. Something's missing. To quote a graphic novel I like very much, "I wish someone would just shut me off and fix me". I don't know how. I'm so lucky, and so blessed, and I don't feel like I've been forsaken by God or loved ones. But I think it's the fact that I no longer feel part of this world. I tire of it. Actually, I'm a little comforted in the fact that I think that this is how I should feel. My place in this world is temporary, ephemeral, and I was destined for an eternity in God's presence. So of course I feel out of place. I'm not at home. The closest I come to home is when I'm surrounded by people and just soaking up their love (which I really see as divine love kinda reflected off of them). That having been said, I wonder if I need to be by myself more often. Perhaps I need to start taking solace in myself. I had a good chat with myself in the mirror tonight, and though it was a bit weird at first, it was a bit of a relief. There's only so much internal monologue you can have. I needed an external dialogue. But regardless, I think I'm a cool cat, and I can enjoy being by myself, so perhaps that's what I need to do more often. Hole myself up in my Tower, and then discover that I was the Tower all along. Wow. Thanks anyone for listening. I feel a whole lot better now. I think I'm going to go to sleep. And don't worry too much about me, I think that this epiphany was just enough to get me to start writing happier stuff. Although, P.S., I really liked writing my flower song today. It's not the most upbeat sounding thing, but I put alot of soul into that little observation that I made in the courtyard, and in the end it felt good to slap that much of myself down on the page... or the keyboard... or whatever. Anyway, check out that song if you wanna see what I mean. Read my whole blog again for all I care. I need to go to bed. Thanks for listening, you three people who read this thing. I love you AS WELL AS all my other friends and family who are not so web-literate... Good night.
Yes, Nny?
I'm not happy...
So my last post actually got comments, which lends me to believe that people actually read this for some reason. And, since that's the case, and I love, appreciate and trust the people that are my friends (and I assume that's who these comments are coming from) I want to be very serious with this entry. No stupid one-liners, or cleverness. Just sheer honesty. Hopefully this will be a good practice of the advice I gave in Insight #2. And, by the way, this was all brought on by something a friend said in his comment to that last post: "That's what you need your blog for. To vent." Well, I'm taking a shot, so here goes.
Sadly my whole apathy movement didn't even last a week. It's sad, really, cause it's a good idea in theory. But I have to concede to Shaun, my best of bests; you called it buddy. You called it completely. I couldn't keep it up any longer. I'm too much of a feeling creature: all of us Barnes men are. I might try the apathy thing again, later, but I don't know that it'll work any better. The thing that made me lose it today was sitting alone, and for the first time I really let myself be aware of how lonely I'm actually feeling. And I have to tell you, it's pretty alone. I constantly feel more and more distant from my family. I don't feel like they even want to make the effort to stay in contact. People are growing up and moving on with other friends, and I'm left with calling them every so often to get a quick hi. And I'm out of school, so I can't even feel like a normal college kid anymore. I've always been good at meeting new people, making new friends, and I still love doing that. I cherish the friendships that I have more than anything in the world. But they're not helping with the loneliness. And I don't know why. And I'm sorry to say that, but they're just not helping any more. I looked inside myself today and became aware of how truly grieved my spirit is. Something's missing. To quote a graphic novel I like very much, "I wish someone would just shut me off and fix me". I don't know how. I'm so lucky, and so blessed, and I don't feel like I've been forsaken by God or loved ones. But I think it's the fact that I no longer feel part of this world. I tire of it. Actually, I'm a little comforted in the fact that I think that this is how I should feel. My place in this world is temporary, ephemeral, and I was destined for an eternity in God's presence. So of course I feel out of place. I'm not at home. The closest I come to home is when I'm surrounded by people and just soaking up their love (which I really see as divine love kinda reflected off of them). That having been said, I wonder if I need to be by myself more often. Perhaps I need to start taking solace in myself. I had a good chat with myself in the mirror tonight, and though it was a bit weird at first, it was a bit of a relief. There's only so much internal monologue you can have. I needed an external dialogue. But regardless, I think I'm a cool cat, and I can enjoy being by myself, so perhaps that's what I need to do more often. Hole myself up in my Tower, and then discover that I was the Tower all along. Wow. Thanks anyone for listening. I feel a whole lot better now. I think I'm going to go to sleep. And don't worry too much about me, I think that this epiphany was just enough to get me to start writing happier stuff. Although, P.S., I really liked writing my flower song today. It's not the most upbeat sounding thing, but I put alot of soul into that little observation that I made in the courtyard, and in the end it felt good to slap that much of myself down on the page... or the keyboard... or whatever. Anyway, check out that song if you wanna see what I mean. Read my whole blog again for all I care. I need to go to bed. Thanks for listening, you three people who read this thing. I love you AS WELL AS all my other friends and family who are not so web-literate... Good night.
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